Random Thoughts From a Random Person

Posted on July 4, 2012 by

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Today’s guest post comes from Ariel’s cousin. Happy Fourth!

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I read this blog before I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, so I knew it was going to be bad, but somehow the world can’t quite prepare you for an experience like this. Sometimes you just have to see it for yourself. So after wasting the day away reading this book, I’m left contemplating many things about my life. For one thing, why the hell did I even start reading something I knew would be such crap? What does it say about me that I didn’t put it down? I can’t say I thought it was going to get better, with Ana repeating how long Christian’s fingers are over and over and nicknaming him Fifty Shades and saying it multiple times in the same sentence….cause she needed to remind us thats like….the title of the fucking book and all.

Why did I waste away practically 24 hours that I will never get back? Why did I fill my brain space with…..this? The conclusion that I’m left with is that I, like the writer of this terrible book, am an asshole. And as an asshole, I’m hoping the rest of the world that’s still holding out gives in and reads it too, and I hope they fucking hate it and agree with me and think i’m brilliant and wonderful for saying it sucks. Anyway, here are just a few of my reasons for hating this piece of literature E. L. James crapped out her bum hole.

You know. This book!

1.The book is Twilight. I know I know it started out as fanfiction, but please, you can’t change the essential plot points of twilight even SLIGHTLY? And give me a damn break, we didn’t read Twilight because it was super romantic that Edward was a sexy average man who fell in love with a clutzy nerd, we read it because it was about fucking vampires and werewolves and mind readers and they all wanted to kill each other. Oh yeah, and there was some love in there that was kind of cute too. Take out all the magical stuff and its just plain stupid.

2. Ana is a fucking asshole whiny idiot. Why am I supposed to like her again? Oh. poor Ana with her rich boyfriend who wants to treat her like a princess and buy her cars and MacBookPro’s. Omg the way he braids her hair is so scary. I hear he forces her to orgasm like ten times a day. What a scary scary man who promises to take care of you and never hurt you and stop when you say so. Its so normal and easy to identify with how you professed your love for him in like two weeks and then cried when he wouldn’t say it back. Poor poor creature. After literally one paragraph I wanted to slap this girl in the face so frankly I can’t believe Christian Grey is the first person in her life to feel that way. I mean really? Jesus Christ. Get a grip and move on Christian, you’re too good for her, dude.

3. Is Ana in fact schizophrenic? Shes constantly talking to her inner goddess and her subconscious and I’m pretty sure at certain points even visualizes them as people doing things in like these weird psychotic delusions? Most of the time I was way more afraid for Christian’s life around this psychopath than the other way around. And I apologize to all the high functioning schizophrenics out there that don’t need Ana’s bullshit stigmatizing their disease, cause she’s about one hundred shades of fucked up.

4. I really thought that even with the crap writing and the crap story, I’d get some good erotic sex scenes. Instead I found myself bored and actually relieved the few times they skipped over the “sexy” details. It was kind of like when you’re halfway through reading some porn online, and you realize you just want to go to sleep cause the story is no longer interesting and the sex isn’t all that sexy, but you’ve read far enough into it that you’re like….well I’ve gotta see this through. What if on the next page somebody does something crazy I’ve never heard of? That’d just be a missed opportunity right there to google those shenanigans and learn a thing or two. Oh wait, that’s EXACTLY what this book was like, without the convenience of being online and being able to hide your shame with a history delete. And nothing crazy ever happens and I didn’t have to google ANYTHING. Lame, and frankly rude, E. L. James.

5. Lastly, this woman straight up stole all her material.  We knew going into it that she was ripping off Twilight but give me a break, she clearly is a huge Grey’s Anatomy and Dexter fan and stole a bunch of stupid shit from that too. There isn’t an original thought in the whole book. I mean really, what is it about elevators? thats like the tag line of Grey’s Anatomy. And theres so many things that remind me of Dexter I would bet my life’s savings Christian saw his mom die while trapped in a dark room and thats what made him have a “dark side.”

Like I said, I’m an asshole so I’ve been recommending this book to my friends even though I hated it.  But you guys aren’t my friends so I DEFINITELY recommend you give it a read and have a laugh with me.

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