A Chapter Without Sex, Yay!!: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 22

Posted on July 5, 2012 by

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I haven’t updated you guys on searcher news for a couple posts now, but oh man, hilarious searches are still pouring in. Some people are actually looking for Bad Books, Good Times specifically, while many others still really want to know about Ana’s spanking, Ana’s Anal, and Christian’s penis. Some things never change!

Chapter 22

This may by far be one of the most dull chapters. There were almost no lines that were dumb enough, or rather, differently dumb enough to be worth quoting! It just kind of…was.

After getting her nails done and sipping some champagne in the first-class lounge, Ana immediately begins to e-mail Christian because she believes leaving to get space really means just having physical distance between them but talking non-stop.

“Dear Mr. Grey,

What really alarms me is how you knew which flight I was on.” At this point, Ana, we all know that you don’t give a shit about what a creepy stalker he is, so why even bring it up?

Christian responds, and for no apparent reason Ana tells us, “Aha! Pay back time. Our flight has been called, so I shall e-mail him from the plane. It will be safer. I almost hug myself with mischievous glee.” I’m sorry, what now? Pay back for what exactly? Bumping her up to first class, or is this still about the panties? What a complex novel; it truly forces you to peel back the layers and discover more shit underneath.

There’s a random, two sentence conversation with Ray that definitely didn’t need to be in this book. They literally say they love each other, and Ana’s like, “All’s well with Ray!” Like, who the fuck cares?

But wait, Ana gets even weirder as the e-mails progress. After telling Kate not to wind Christian up in the last chapter, Ana starts saying how she got a massage from a dude named Jean-Paul in the lounge.

“Serves him right. If I’d been in the ordinary departure lounge, then Jean-Paul wouldn’t have gotten his hands on me.” Her explanation for her anger is not the stalking aspect but that Christian “made me look like a complete klutz during check-in.” Really? Ana, why must you get more and more unlikable as this goes on. I hope you get spanked again, cause you suck.

Christian’s response is, of course, terrifying. “Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate. Believe me when I say that attending to you in that stage will give me so much more pleasure than merely upgrading your ticket.” Chilling. Simply chilling. But also sexy?

I think it’s important I note that Ana gets a glass of orange juice on the plane, which I must assume was disgusting as she does not inform us that it is divine or thirst quenching.

Ana then sends an e-mail to Christian explaining her previous actions and reactions that actually makes sense. Proving yet again that she can only express herself via e-mail despite the fact that this is her first time even having an e-mail address. Christian calls her out on this inability to express herself in person. It’s all very normal and not hilariously bad. So I don’t want to talk about it at all.

And then of course Ana has to go and randomly start crying. I go back to wanting to punch Ana in the face yet again.

Ana and her mom go to the beach and chat about Christian. Ana’s description is…ridiculous. “He’s beyond handsome. He’s wealthy…too wealthy. He’s very complicated and mercurial.”

Even better, though, is her mother’s response to this. “Complicated and mercurial are the two pieces of information I want to concentrate on, Ana.”  Nah, I think you should talk about how wealthy he is, we haven’t touched on that topic nearly enough. Or maybe the handsome thing, that almost never comes up. Better yet, just fucking skip to his penis size because that’s all anybody wants to know these days.

Ya’ll, we also find out Bob’s taken up golf!

We also find out Ana’s mom was super in love with Ana’s dad, but he died tragically during marine combat training. Whomp whomp.

This is the point when Christian sends that really normal e-mail to Ana about expressing her feelings better. And I can’t make fun of it! God damn it.

But, no fear, Ana’s reaction to the e-mail is dumb as ever, “Holy crap. He’s written and essay like we’re back at school–and most of it’s good.” 

“We’ve been apart less than twenty-four hours, and knowing that I can’t see him for four days, I realized how much I miss him. How much I love him.” Oh vom me a river, Ana. Fucking Skype him, you dumb bitch. Or have him buy you both Iphones so you can facetime like everybody else. Suck MY ten inch dick.

Even MORE fucking e-mail exchanges happen that are forcing me to stay up instead of going to bed because this blog is actually important to me. And punctuality. And reliability. Whatever. MAKING JOKES ABOUT THIS BOOK IS A LIFE CHOICE AND I STAND BY IT! But that won’t stop me from bitching about it.

Anyway, it is revealed that Christian is having dinner with an old friend, and that old friend is none other than The Evil Cougar. Between crack-whore mothers and evil cougars, it’s no wonder Christian is so complicated.

Ana gets so worked up about this that she starts wondering if they have kids together. That is a really big and weird conclusion to jump to. I can only anticipate what sort of drama is about to unfold.

During this, Ana randomly informs us she has her period, and just about everything that’s happened in the past week to Ana (emotionally) now makes sense. What a brilliant move on James’ part. Bravo, my lady. Bravo.

Christian shows up to comfort Ana. What else is new.

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