Ana’s Mom Gives Horrible Boy Advice: Fifty Shades of Grey Chaper Twenty-Two

Posted on July 6, 2012 by

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Okay, there’s only a hundred pages left in this book. We’re almost there, guys. We can do this.

– – –

Chapter Twenty-Two

Christian upgraded Ana’s plane ticket to a first-class ticket even though she totally asked him not to, so she decides to imply that she used his kindness to meet someone else.

A very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed. I wouldn’t have encountered Jean-Paul in the ordinary departure lounge – so thank you again for that treat.

See, it’s one thing that Christian’s fallen so hard for Ana when she has absolutely no character whatsoever and it’s confusing what exactly it is he sees in her when the reader doesn’t see anything in her. It’s another thing entirely when she does things like this happen and she’s really just kind of a jerk. But then again, Christian responds to this by saying next time he’ll make her ride bound and gagged in a crate in the cargo hold, so, um, there’s just no winners here. Also, Ana continues to tell us how attractive everyone is.

“Miss Steele, you’ll have to stow your laptop for takeoff”, the over-made-up flight attendant says politely. […] She hands me a soft blanket and pillow, showing her perfect teeth.

In the email exchange that follows (which Ana totally ignores the “turn off your cell phone” part of being on an airplane to do – shame, Ana!), Ana keeps pissing Christian off, for both legit and Jesus-Christ-calm-down-Christian reasons, and Christian keeps changing his email signature to reflect his temper, in the creepiest, BDSM-iest way ever.

Christian Grey
Palm-Twitching CEO

And then he gives himself the weirdest promotion ever.

Christian Grey
Two Palms Twitching CEO

It’s like Ana’s crap scale, except much more surreal if it ever gets to three.

Ana turns off her Blackberry when the plane actually takes off, goes to sleep, and then writes Christian a really long email about her feelings while she’s half-asleep waiting to transfer to her next flight. And, surprisingly, a lot of it sounds like it came from ACTUAL PEOPLE FEELINGS. She apologizes for overreacting, because she’s uncomfortable with the money he spends on her when they’re not really dating, but calls him out for overreacting too, and says that this is part of why she’s having reservations about her relationship/BDSM contract thing with him.

If you skimmed all of that, all you need to know is that Ana is trying to resolve interpersonal problems by using her words!

It’s an animated gif of Elmo and Neil Patrick Harris dancing. I am trying my hardest to express how happy I am with this book for not fucking up for once. Of course, the book immediately goes back to fucking up when Ana meets up with her mom and they go to the beach and, oh my god, you guys, Ana’s mom.

“So, Ana … tell me about this man who has you in such a spin.”
Spin! How can she tell?

How can she tell you’re in an only vaguely defined emotional state? Moms, amirite? Now, we’ve gotten some boy advice from Ana’s mom earlier, and it was terrible and vague and hilarious, but it’s just on a whole new level here.

“His name’s Christian. He’s beyond handsome. He’s wealthy … too wealthy. He’s very complicated and mercurial.” […]
“Complicated and mercurial are the two pieces of information I want to concentrate on, Ana.”

I mean, I’d want to concentrate on them because they’re not really pieces of information. Ana’s mom, on the other hand, hears these words and suddenly BAM she knows exactly what to say, because she doesn’t actually ask Ana anything more about this, and just jumps into, um, advice?

“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple literal creatures.”

If you’re already offended, I have bad news for you. We’re not even close to how offensive this gets.

“They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they’ve said, when really it’s obvious. If I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.”

This is some incredibly bad advice. Even more hilarious/horrifying, Ana’s pretty much sold on it right away, even though during her last conversation, you may remember, Christian said he’d put her in the cargo hold of an airplane bound and gagged. But it gets better because here’s Ana’s actual train of thought that makes her think her mom may be on to something:

She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.

Christian emails her back, and it’s like three pages long.

Holy crap. He’s written an essay like we’re back at school -and most of it’s good.

Wait, do most people write essays about BDSM when they’re in school? I think I missed out on this. Ana insists most of it’s good (she’s so flattering), but I kind of skimmed it, but basically he tells Ana to get used to the fact that he has money, completely misses the point of Ana’s concerns about entering into a limited term BDSM contract instead of a real relationship by suggesting they add a few months or something onto the contract, and also considers making her an appointment with his therapist. Generally therapists won’t see both of the people in a relationship, and many places actually have explicit rules against this. Of course, Christian Grey is a super duper billionaire and doesn’t have to play by the rules, which must be nice.

I’m guessing about 0.4% of our audience will get this joke.

There may have also been some stuff in the email that made some sense, but I really don’t care about them, so we’re moving on to more Ana paranoia because OH SNAP Ana’s mom sees Ana’s computer!

“Now that’s an impressive piece of technology.” She points to my laptop.
Oh, crap.

Oh, man, how could this get worse?!

“Has he e-mailed you?”
Oh, double crap.

Whoa! We went from a single crap to a double crap in a fifth of a page! I… I wonder if…

“Yeah” […]
“What does he say?”
Oh, triple crap.

THEY DO EXIST!

HOLY SHIT, GUYS! It’s the elusive triple crap! It’s finally happened! I feel like a kid who finally found that rare Pokemon they’ve been looking for for days!

Fifty Shades of Grey didn’t use Teleport though, so I had to keep reading it, which was less exciting.

Anyway, they have an email exchange that’s just them saying “Panting” and “Moaning” (seriously), then Ana goes to have dinner with her family, then Ana and Christian have another email exchange during which they spend four pages discussing the phrase “Laters, baby”. This is why I drink. And then, finally, we get back to more horrible advice from Ana’s mom!

“You see, Ana, men think that anything that comes out of a woman’s mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we’d like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget. Men prefer action.”

Ana’s mom is actually my favorite character in this book. I’m not sure which gender this is more sexist towards! Oh, Ana’s mom, you cray cray!

Why is the mom always the best character in terrible works of art?

And the chapter ends with Christian Grey suddenly showing up where Ana is, surprising no one.

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