Of Cougars and Fifteen Year Old Boys: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 23

Posted on July 9, 2012 by


Yesterday while supervising kids outside, I overheard one saying, “…ten thousand shades of grey.” I was, understandably, alarmed, and tried to casually insert myself into the conversation to make sure they hadn’t read Fifty Shades or weren’t planning to.

Ariel: What’s ten thousand shades of grey?

Confused girl: Uhhh, the sky in China…

Ariel: Wait…did they do some sort of study and find this out? How does one go about doing that?

Extremely confused girl: …It’s just a saying. Cause of the pollution.

Ariel: Oh. I thought maybe there was like a real study that happened…okay, carry on.

I may have looked like an idiot, but I was doing it for the safety of children. I also apologize for the Fifty Shades level of ellipses in that conversation, but it truly was that awkward.

Chapter 23

“I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom,” Ana tells us as she looks around the bar for where Christian might be lurking. You know, if you’re ashamed to tell someone something, it’s usually cause it’s disturbing. Like the fact that your new boo is a creepy stalker.

The scene takes a turn for the awkward when it becomes pretty apparent that Ana’s mom wants to fuck Christian…and Ana doesn’t seem to mind.

“My mother hasn’t replied,” […]

“Christian,” she manages finally, breathlessly.

Christian claims he’s there because yesterday Ana told him she wished he was. Man, give him an inch and he takes ten….like his penis. That one goes out to you, penis searchers!

Christian also claims Ana just happened to be drinking at the hotel he’s staying at. I bet all the best stalkers say that.

As soon as Ana’s mom excuses herself to go to the restroom, Christian commits the Complete Dick Move of bringing up a really serious conversation about Evil Cougar but then is all, “God, Ana, I don’t want to talk about this here,” as soon as Ana is like, “This bitch is a child molester, dude.”

In typical tough-conversation-awkwardly-in-public fashion, they keep having some of the conversation anyway, and we find out Cougar and Christian are business partners, and they broke up with her husband found out about them. The convo ends with Ana asking if Christian loved Cougar, but Ana’s mom totally comes back and interrupts. I love how all the “plot” in this book mainly comes from uncomfortable conversations somehow getting derailed and pushed back for another time.

So we don’t yet know if Christian loved Cougar, so it’s time for you guys to weigh in!

Then even more gross stuff happens regarding Ana’s mom’s Christian Boner.

“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” Christian murmurs, shaking her outstretched hand, and she actually simpers.

Simpers: To smile in a silly, self-conscious, often coy manner

When you put it like that, it doesn’t seem THAT bad, I guess. But wow, what a weird word to choose there.

“Laters, baby,” he whispers in my ear, then he’s gone.

I imagine Christian had some sort of smoke/fog machine on hand. It wouldn’t surprise me if he did, he’s certainly douchey and shameless enough for that kind of Criss Angel bullshit.

Ana’s mom says weird and unhelpful shit to Ana, take one:

“Strike me down with a feather.”

That’s certainly not how that cliche goes. I thought this lady was the Cliche Queen.

“Phew-the UST in here, it’s unbearable.”

No one actually says UST. Your fanfiction roots are showing, James. Get that shit highlighted.

“This is a beautiful location, very romantic. It’s also neutral territory.”

Cliche Queen, ever the brochure for shitty romantic advice. Her logic being that a serious conversation here would be perfect.

Ana hangs out with her mom for a bit longer, then goes to find Christian. While waiting for him to get off his work call, Ana drinks orange juice. Again, it must not be very good because there are no over-the-top adjectives to describe her experience drinking it.

We find out very quickly on in the conversation that he didn’t love Cougar. Guess all you above who answered yes are feeling pretty dumb now. It’s okay, I’m reading this book, I always feel pretty dumb.

But now the real question:

TWIST! They have period sex.

Christian stops the sexiness to pause and ask questions like, “When did you start your period?” As I’m sure you know, it’s all very sensual.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string–what?!–and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all…Jeez. And then he’s inside me…ah!

It’s so hard to pick my favorite part of that clusterfuck. I think the prize ultimately goes to, “Sweet mother of all…jeez.” It’s so much fun to say it out loud! Don’t just think it guys, be active participants in my blog post about period sex in Fifty Shades. It’s all well and good to have period sex, but I’d rather not read about it, James. Pulling a tampon out isn’t a mental image I find arousing.

We are both quiet, lost in our thoughts. I am lost in him…lost to him.

I remember that I have my period.

The award for most awkward transition in the world goes to this line above!

Ana notices the scars on Christian’s chest are burn scars, and she confronts him about them. The burn issue gets bypassed in favor of the more pressing Evil Cougar issue. According to Christian, she loved him in a way he found “acceptable” and saved him from himself.

Then they start talking about the arrangement. Neither of them thinks Ana could be a submissive for an entire weekend. But it’s cool, whatever, they talk and it seems to go fine, and then sex in a bathtub is had and thankfully no tampons are taken out at any point.

Pillow talk happens. Blahdy blahdy blah. So close to the end!

Oh ya, also Matt and I made Twitter and FB pages. Whoooo!