No, though the title of this post–and quote from the first chapter of Hush, Hush–may lead you to believe this is a strange, warped version of the “A is for apple” book, this is in fact a story about fallen angels. At least it’s not another vampire story? Or a book that was originally fanfiction based on a certain vampire story? Optimism!
Prologue
We open in Lore Valley, France. November 1565. Some guy named Chauncey is hanging out with a farmer’s daughter, there’s a storm, and he tears a silver buckle off his shoe and hands it to the girl–all in one paragraph! What a fast-paced book! It usually takes Fifty Shades like sixty pages to get anything done. Except Ana’s orgasms.
Chauncey is walking through a cemetary when he sees something that at first looks like a statue, but isn’t.
Neither stone nor marble, the boy had arms and legs. His torso was naked, his feet were bare, and peasant trousers hung low on his hips.
I truly thought I was getting away from Fifty Shades and pants hanging low off of hips!! What is it with these books?
And arms and legs you say? Get outta town. What’s gonna happen next?
Not Statue and Chauncey get into an argument about nothing.
“Do not play games with the Duc de Langeais,” Chauncey warned. “I asked for your name. Give it.”
“Duc?” The boy leaned against a twisted willow tree. “Or bastard?”
Chauncey unsheathed his sword…
There is more overly dramatic arguing, and then Not Statue claims to be “one of the Devil’s brood.” He tells Chauncey he needs something from him and isn’t leaving until he gets it. I’m already uncomfortable for everyone involved in this scene because the dialogue is trying way too hard. And then this happens:
Gritting his teeth, Chauncey shook his head to express his disbelief–his defiance. He tried to spit at the boy, but it tricked down his chin…
Gross!
Not Statue explains he needs an oath of fealty from Chauncey. He goes onto explain that Chauncey belongs to “the biblical race of Nephilim. Your real father was an angel who fell from heaven. You’re half mortal…half fallen angel.” BUM BUM!!!!
The prologue ends with Chauncey demanding to know what the other dude wants from him, but “The air resonated with the boy’s low laughter.” So many mysterious mysteries!
Chapter 1
We go from 1565 to modern day high school! In Cold Water, Maine! I can’t wait to see what creative and original ideas are brought to this scenario.
A biology teacher that is also the football coach? Sassy kids making snarky comments from the back of the room? Two BFFs who have to switch seats as a major plot point? I can’t even believe how riveting this chapter is!
The chapter opens with aforementioned BFFs Nora and Vee (who apparently work on an eZine together, how alternative) having an exchange that baffles me and also serves as the inspiration for the title of this post. The girls are discussing Barbie and Ken dolls, which are “mysteriously adhered to the chalkboard.”
At my side Vee Sky said, ” This is exactly why the school outlaws cameras. Pictures of this in the eZine would be all the evidence I’d need to get the board of education to ax biology.”
Apparently mysteriously adhering Barbie dolls to chalkboards is somehow enough to bring down an entire biology department. I wonder what it would take to ax a chem class.
“And then we’d have this hour to do something productive–like receive one-on-one tutoring from cute upperclass guys.
“Why, Vee,” I said, “I could have sworn you’ve been looking forward to this unit all semester.”
[…] “This class isn’t going to teach me anything I don’t already know.”
“Vee? As in virgin?”
“Not so loud.” She winked…
So a class about sex isn’t going to teach her anything she doesn’t already know? But that sounds like she knows about her sexy time? But she’s a virgin? Perplexing. I hope the dialogue improves, or at least Nora’s inner voice gets a little more interesting.
Vee is my un-twin. She’s green-eyed, minky blond, and a few pounds over curvy. I’m a smoky-eyed brunette with volumes of curly hair that holds its own against even the best flatiron. And I’m all legs, like a bar stool…
I love when narrators awkwardly describe themselves and their friends to me! Also, who the fuck would ever actually describe themselves as a “smoky-eyed brunette”. Unreal. But wait, there’s more!
But there is an invisible thread that ties us together, both of us swear that tie began long before birth. Both of us swear it will continue to hold for the rest of our lives.
Shit. That’s deep, ya’ll. Their friendship is really reminding me of all the things that matter in life and like warming my heart. Maybe they’re both fallen angels? I’m tearing up here.
But then their teacher switches their seats, and it’s so fucking sad. We’re one chapter in and I’m already crying like a baby. I mean, two un-twins forces to separate as lab partners? Too real.
And to make a bad situation worse, Nora gets paired with this dick transfer student who smells not like cigarettes, but cigars and just will not help with their super important assignment to get to know each other! Just listen to what their bio teacher has to say about this super important assignment:
“…like all science, the best approach is to learn by sleuthing. For the rest of class, practice this technique by finding out as much as you can about your new partner. Tomorrow, bring a write-up of your discoveries, and believe me, I’m going to check for authenticity. This is biology, not English, so don’t even think about fictionalizing your answers.”
How on earth is he going to check for authenticity? Is he going to facebook stalk or call home? What the even fuck? Also, I’m an English major, you fucking twat! How dare you!! Outrage!!
Nora’s attempt to work with Patch quickly devolves into this bizarre conversation where he demonstrates a stalkerish level of knowledge about her. Romantic! Just like Fifty Shades <3. But seriously, everything he says is so random and weird. At first he’s telling her how he knows she thinks Ivy League schools are superficial achievements even though she could totes get into any of them, how she sleeps naked, how she trusts the wrong people, etc.
I’m not finding any of this compelling or mysterious in case that wasn’t obvious. It’s the Fifty Shades and Twilight problem all over again. Sometimes weird shit will happen and no one comments on just how creepy it is (Nora does not seem concerned enough over this bizarre exchange), but then, like in the prologue, really nothing that significant is being said, but people are reacting so extremely. It’s so inconsistent!
We do find out one bit of significant-seeming information. Nora’s dad was murdered the previous year.
We also find out that, like Ana, Nora digs men who wear Levis.
He had an annoyingly confident walk, the kind you find paired with faded T-shirts and a cowboy hat. Patch wore neither. He was a dark-Levis-dark-henley-dark-boots kind of guy.
I don’t like how the book throws us right into the “action”. Everything seemed so rushed and forced in both the prologue and the first chapter. At least so far Nora doesn’t seem quite as bad as Ana (no “jeez” or “holy crap” equivalents) but I think she’s a douche for how she described herself to us. Also Patch is just another Edward/Christian. God damn it. I’d be so turned off by guys like these, not drawn to them. I hate these books!
Until next time, folks.
Bad Books, Good Times 
Jillian
July 26, 2012
Oooh, they work on an eZine? Do they sew their own clothes, too? That’s gotta be one of my favorite “too lazy to develop an actual character so let’s just make her QUIRKY” cliches.
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22aer22
July 27, 2012
HA! Exactly, it’s just so so obvious and easy. Look how kewl my character is, she totes runs an eZine and is too cool for school. Literally, she thinks she is too cool for Harvard. And Yale.
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Ali
July 26, 2012
This book made more sense when I was sleep deprived.
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22aer22
July 27, 2012
Hahaha sleep deprivation will do that sometimes.
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Benjamin
July 27, 2012
I wonder if our intrepid young reporter- sorry, eZine publisher, will somehow factor into the plot. God knows there aren’t as many ways to get a character who cares about odd stuff. Although I wonder what the equivalent of a hard-nosed cop is for YA paranormal romance…
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Indie
July 31, 2012
“Also Patch is just another Edward/Christian. God damn it. I’d be so turned off by guys like these, not drawn to them.”
Yeah, that’s what they all say. Allow me, as a guy, to express my disbelief.
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22aer22
July 31, 2012
Definitely not Christian, he never stops creeping me out! Who knows about Patch but so far TOOL!
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Turtle
October 3, 2012
Hm. Maybe Patch’s father named him after their dog. Like in Indiana Jones. Except… so less cool.
I know the teacher said no making things up about your partner, but I would totally have deduced this.
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morningrain48
February 21, 2013
I don’t understand why hot guys stalking girls have become the new go-to in romance. It’s really kind of offending, like, are women all so needy of attention that if an attractive man stalks us its a good thing?
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Sodapop
April 2, 2013
You’d think that maybe Hush, Hush was also a Twilight fanfic just as Fifty Shades of Gray was/is. The only thing mysterious about this book is how it’s popular even when the plot is basically the same damn thing as Twilight. I mean, Twilight’s already famous and tons of people have read it… And now they want to read it again with a different title? That doesn’t make any sense to me. It really just doesn’t xD
I’ve actually been reading your blogs for the past few days, along with Matthew’s, and have finally decided to post SOMETHING here because I really want to say I freaking love your humor and your dedication to this site. Everything’s basically posted when you say it will be, you don’t really miss any days, I’m amazed. I would not have that sort of dedication to a book, even if most of it was to the fans that just want to see you bash the shit out of Fifty Shades of Gray, etc, etc.
I understand the appeal of a “bad boy”, and there are MANY reasons why girls/women feel drawn to them, but I myself have never felt drawn to them. They’re just a little pathetic, I don’t need their drama, and they really need to get over themselves. Teaching others that if you try hard enough and stay with the boy/man who is mentally/physically abusive and manipulative, he can change and he’ll become a better person through your love, is one of the worst messages you can send. I don’t like to negatively criticize a story over and over, but when it’s offensive, like Fifty Shades of Gray, and promotes all of the stereotypes on people and sexism? Oh god….
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matthewjulius
April 3, 2013
Thank you for all the kind things you said in your comment! You know, the kind things you said to us; I doubt the authors of these books would be especially thankful for what you’ve written =)
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AJ
March 17, 2014
This is probably just me, but when I searched on Amazon for Hush, Hush myself and looked through the previews…
Me: *Skimming the prologue uninterestedly* This is absolute nonsense.
*Comes across this line*
“Neither stone nor marble, the boy had arms and legs.”
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS YOU’RE KIDDING ME RIGHT.
From that moment forward, this line embodied for me everything that Hush, Hush is supposed to be. I could only sit there and laugh for a sheer two minutes before giving up on the prologue, and even after that I still find myself chuckling every time I think of that line. At least we know how to identify statues now, though. They don’t have arms and legs, apparently.
Sorry to say this, Fitzpatrick, but I’ve read overhyped, Twilight-only-it’s-not-Twilight Naruto fanfiction with better prose than this.
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AJ
March 17, 2014
Also, I am strongly tempted to call Nora “Bar Stool” and Patch “Statue”. WHO THE HELL DESCRIBES HERSELF AS “A SMOKY-EYED BRUNETTE” YOU ARE NOT ROSALIE HALE SIT YOUR ASS THE FUCK DOWN.
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Sammy
April 7, 2014
“…like all science, the best approach is to learn by sleuthing. For the rest of class, practice this technique by finding out as much as you can about your new partner.”- I’m sorry, is this a biology class? God damn it, I get that the teacher’s meant to be a bit of an inept butt-monkey in all of this, but for crying out loud, wouldn’t it make more sense for this sort of project to be in a psychology class? I mean, they’re basically being asked to profile each other. I dunno about curriculum outside of Australia, but that doesn’t go on here down-under. We may brush on innate human behaviors and what not, sure, but this a bit too in depth and psychology-heavy for a high school class. It just bugs me.
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