How Could There Possibly Be More Story After This Point?: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Three

Posted on August 7, 2012 by

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Yesterday my mom was in a used book store and overheard a woman asking about Fifty Shades of Grey, because all her friends were talking about it so she wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The store didn’t have any copies (they go quickly), and evidently my mom talked to her about the book for a bit, suggesting that she go to this blog instead to get an overview of what it’s about. Basically, if you are that person and you are reading this, HELLO! ISN’T THIS WEIRD?

Chapter Three

After breaking up at the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana and Christian Grey get back together two chapters into the sequel. This raises a horrifying question: how the hell are there another just under two books to this story? This chapter raises some possibilities (three, in fact!), all of which leave me very worried the worst is yet to come.

As is usually the case when there are two more sequels to tell zero more story.

Potential For More Plot #1: Christian Grey’s Ex Fucks Things Up!

Remember when Christian mentioned that he’s fucked seven zillion women? Of course you do; he brings it up every other page. Wonder if this could cause problems for Ana now that Ana has literally no other problems already by chapter two?

I turn expectantly, and an ashen young woman approaches me cautiously. She looks like a ghost—so pale and strangely blank.
“Miss Anastasia Steele?” she repeats, and her features stay static even though she’s speaking.

Probably.

“Can I help you?” I ask. How does she know my name?
“No … I just wanted to look at you.”

The whole page is reasonably creepy and unsettling. The woman looks exactly like Ana, but sad. She’s wearing an oversized coat that makes her look sad. It’s also implied that she’s been cutting herself, which I feel kind of bad making fun of. She asks “What do you have that I don’t?” and leaves.

Overall, it’s a surprisingly decent glimpse at what’s almost certain to be an important plot point. Much better that the last time we were teased with this “one of Christian’s exes causes trouble” plot points in the last book, when Christian said the name of one ex once and never brought it up again, presumably because otherwise what would the next several hundred pages of sequels be about?

I’m still holding onto this.

Except I’m willing to bet that all this can do is cause more drama between Ana and Christian where they fight about why Christian is the way he is and then they probably have sex, and we’ve already read five hundred pages of this. So… we shall see?

Potential For More Plot #2: Anastasia Steele’s Boss Fucks Things Up!

Remember how Ana’s new boss is a creep?

“Good morning, Ana. You look … radiant.” His remark flusters me. How inappropriate!

On the plus side, Ana’s finally sort of catching on that her boss is not being the most professional man in the world, and his invitation to get drinks after work on Friday is because it’s a thing the whole office does every week and she’s in the club now, so she gets a less creepy invitation to the bar which, in a stunning lack of creativity even by E L James standards, is named Fifties.

On the down side, this is Fifty Shades of Grey, so whenever something gets better, it immediately gets way more godawful.

“You’re a very bright girl, Ana. You’ll go far.”
I blush. “Thank you,” I mutter, because I don’t know what else to say.”
“Do you live far?”
“The Pike Market district.”
“Not far from me.” Smiling, he moves even closer and leans against the bar, effectively trapping me

Now, every couple posts I feel the need to clarify this, this plot isn’t inherently bad. There’s nothing of objectively poor quality about a plot where a woman’s boss makes unwarranted sexual advances on her. What is of objectively poor quality is how this plot is handled in this particular book. For example!

  • Ana still isn’t concerned that her new boss is super interested in jumping her bones. Worse, during the course of this chapter, she goes from confused why he acts weird (“For some unknown reason, which I don’t want to examine too closely[…]”) to explicitly indifferent to his attraction (“Well, he can want all he likes”).
  • Christian immediately shows up and puts his arm around her, kisses her, acting very possessive in general. Somehow this doesn’t feel like it solves problem at all, and not just because Christian and Jack start some verbal sparring but because Ana doesn’t want to actually solve her problems when she can just go bang a dude instead.

“Should I report the unwanted sexual advances from my boss, or have my boyfriend act like he owns me?”

Speaking of Christian Grey’s verbal sparring with Jack, get a goddamn load of this:

“I’m the boyfriend,” Christian says with a small, cool smile that doesn’t reach his eyes as he shakes Jack’s hand. I glance up at Jack who is mentally assessing the fine specimen of manhood in front of him.

I emphasized my favorite bit in bold because hahahahaha what the fuck?

“I’m the boss,” Jack replies arrogantly. “Ana did mention an ex-boyfriend.”

OH SNAP.

“Well, no longer ex.” Christian replies calmly. “Come on, baby, time to go.”

And, yeah, once again, instead of actually solving her problems, Ana just lets Christian Grey take her away from whatever she was doing. Seriously. Christian’s already been at a social gathering with Ana and made her leave after about two pages twice so far in this novel, and we’re on chapter three. Perhaps more horrifyingly, the reason why was because at both of those social gatherings was a guy who was interested in Ana. E L James has rather impressively created a terrifying world where a nondescript female literally can’t go anywhere without every man she knows on a first name basis trying to get her into bed.

No, seriously, that’s terrifying. Stop and think about this.

It’s a lot like that one episode of South Park.

Potential For More Plot #3: Christian Gray and Anastasia Steel Fuck

Wait a second, this is the same plot. Guess I gotta just give you the highlights of some more sex scenes. Again.

Seduction!

“I think we’ll eat later,” he says. “Put the chicken in the fridge.”
This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.

Foreplay!

“Now what?”  he says softly.
“Make love to me.”
“How?”
Jeez.

Cunnilingus!

He doesn’t stop, his tongue circling my clitoris, driving me insane, on and on, round and round. Ahhh … it’s only been … how long…? Oh..

Fellatio!

I push him deeper into my mouth, pressing my lips together as tightly as I can, sheathing my teeth, and sucking hard.
“Fuck,” he hisses.
Oh, that’s a good, inspiring, sexy sound

Christian Grey’s penis!

Wow.

Voice-activated orgasm!

“Come on, baby,” he gasps. “Give it to me.”
His words are my undoing, and I explode

Okay, I haven’t talked about this yet, but is it starting to bother anybody else that Christian can make a woman finish by simply telling her to? Because, um, I don’t think this is a thing.

I mean it’s possible I’ve just been doing sex wrong.

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