The Return of the Vaginal Balls!: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 6

Posted on August 27, 2012 by


People really have begun to treat me like a leading expert in the field of Fifty Shades. The other night at a family dinner, my uncle asked about my creative pursuits and I told him about this blog. He had many questions about the series, and I could answer them all in detail. Man, if I do write my senior thesis on this book, I certainly feel like I know my shit when it comes to this universe.

Chapter 6

As I’m sure you all remember, we ended on a cliffhanger last time. Will they or won’t they fuck? They fuck. At this point I feel like I mostly glaze over the sex because it’s the same shit that’s been in every post. In fact, this sex is pretty standard. Christian says a couple lines that make me laugh a little, but it’s just not bad enough to even quote anymore! Come on, James.

After the sex, Christian reminds Ana how beautiful she is, and they get into a conversation about it. Christian points out exactly what Matt and I have been pointing out since we first started reading–tons of guys are interested in Ana, and she acts so clueless about it. Except for when she doesn’t act clueless about it and is totally aware Jose is in love with her and her boss is hitting on her! I hate women like this. The ones who, in the same conversation, tell you how no one likes them except every male they know is actually in love with them. It makes no sense, and it makes my head hurt!

More sex happens, but James seems to be getting as bored of the sex as I am, so she skips it completely. High five! Ana takes a shower and does what she does every night–reflects about all the things we just read about five seconds ago, and muses about her relationship with Christian:

Perhaps we can make this work. But how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me because I cross some arbitrary line?

If you ever have to ask this question in your relationship, please, run the fuck away.

Later, Christian approaches Ana as she’s getting ready for their dinner that night, and asks her if she wants to keep those silver balls in her vagina all night. I personally would be grossed out talking to someone’s parents while harboring “silver ball egg-things” in my lady bits, but Ana is very gung-ho about this. Ana asks if these means he’s going to spank her later, and when he says no, she’s kind of disappointed. Oh, Ana, you are one complicated woman!

Then Christian gives Ana diamond earrings, and I think as a woman I’m supposed to be sitting here swooning, wishing I could find a boyfriend who makes a hundred grand an hour. Instead, I just really want to finish this post so I can go back to texting the guy I like, who makes like eight dollars an hour or something equally sexy. He like cleans a pool and has people pay him to play golf or use tennis courts. Fuck you, Christian Grey.

Christian takes Ana to his library, and there’s a pool table in there. I find this strange, but please let me know if this is a common thing I’m not aware of. Apparently Elliot calls it “the balls room.” Even though it’s also a library and there’s just one pool table? I wish this book would stop talking about balls every second. Keep it classy, come on.

The party turns out to be a masquerade, and I’m wondering if this is going to add anything noteworthy to the scene or is just supposed to, again, demonstrate how faaaaabulous this party is supposed to be. Mia comes over to pull Ana over to introduce her to some friends. Most of the gals seem nice, but of course, one was gunning for Christian herself and is a total bizzy-nizzy to Ana.

“Lily, behave yourself. It’s obvious he has excellent taste in women. He was waiting for the right one to come along, and it wasn’t you!”

Lily blushes the same color as her mask, as do I. Could this be any more uncomfortable?

I guess Ana doesn’t remember the time Christian ripped a tampon out of her vagina. Don’t worry, I’ll never ever forget it.

Mia quickly becomes my favorite character when she also cock blocks Christian the way Taylor did last chapter! Ana and Christian are about to go to the bathroom together (to fuck), but Mia jumps up and offers to show Ana the way instead. What a gal!

Ana removes the vaginal balls. Now you know.

The charity is for Coping Together, which Christian’s parents support. There’s a big auction, and Ana bids twenty-four thousand dollars to go stay at Christian’s place in Aspen. He’s pissed, and I think it’s hilarious. For those of you just tuning in or who don’t remember, that’s the exact amount of money they’ve been arguing over for this entire book! Christian claims that’s what Ana’s old car was purchased for, but Ana doesn’t believe him.

And with that the chapter ends. Yay.

On an unrelated note, I have a question: