We So Excited We’re Gonna Have a Ball Today: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Six

Posted on August 28, 2012 by


AH I am currently in my senior year of college AAAAHHHHH

This is pretty much me right now. Not because I’m back in college; because I’m still reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Chapter Six

Oh boy, the chapter starts with a sex scene. I bet this one’s going to be super different from the dozens of other sex scenes we’ve already read.

“Oh, baby,” he breathes as he hovers over me, staring intently into my eyes. “You’re so wet.”

If I had a dollar for every time I read Christian Grey telling Ana that she’s so wet, that would probably pay for a semester of college.

“You feel so good,” he murmurs.

Or that. If I had a dollar for every time he has said “You feel so good” or every time he murmurs. I should have gotten sponsorship for this reading. They finish at roughly the same time (also like every single sex scene) and their post-coital pillow talk is about how many other men are chasing Ana! That’s normal!

“Boys? What boys?”
“You want the list?” Christian frowns. “The photographer, he’s crazy about you, that boy in the hardware store, your roommate’s older brother. Your boss,” he adds bitterly.

Ana continues to have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

“Oh, Christian, that’s just not true.”

Christian continues to be terrifying.

“Mine,” he repeats, his eyes glowing possessively.

Then there’s a legitimately tender moment where Christian lets Ana touch him in the no-touch zones and he alludes to Mrs. Robinson being why he isn’t comfortable being touched there, which is weird because this whole time we’ve thought it was his abusive childhood? It’s hard to tell if this is a revelation or an inconsistency. Anyway,  legitimately tender moment lasts for approximately two and a half paragraphs before Ana brings the novel back to its usual quality.

Holy cow. Round two.

I’m running out of jokes I can make about this book.

On the plus side, since the chapter started with the sex scene, now we’re totally free to advance the, uh, plot. It’s like pulling off a band-aid to find another band-aid, isn’t it? This chapter’s all about Ana and Christian’s formal event: a charity ball hosted by Christian’s parents.

He retaliates with his crooked smile and pulls the silver ball egg-things form his pocket […] “I thought you could wear these tonight.”

And about vaginal balls. Welcome back to the party, vaginal balls.

We get a lot of detail about what Ana’s wearing and how expensive it all is and how beautiful it all is and how expensive it all is. Christian also gives Ana a mask because the charity is a masquerade ball, and then decides to show her his private library because this is a pretty good time to throw that into the narrative for half a page. Then they’re off to the ball!

And I will imagine it happening however I damn well please.

Speaking of balls, Ana still has vaginal balls in.

“Where did you get the lipstick?” I ask Christian quietly.
He smirks at me and points toward the front. “Taylor,” he mouths.
I burst out laughing. “Oh.” And stop quickly – the balls.

When they get there, Christian puts on his mask, and even when he covers up his face we get basically the same description of his appearance we’ve gotten a billion times already.

All I can see of his face is his beautiful chiseled mouth and strong jaw.

And Ana has the same, eloquent reaction.

Holy fuck…

Christian introduces Ana to a bunch of famous and rich people, and we run into his sister Mia again and meet a bunch of her friends, such as Lily, who has a thing for Christian and doesn’t take kindly to seeing him with a girlfriend.

“Of course we all thought Christian was gay,” she says snidely, concealing her rancor with a large, fake smile.

Which Ana is quick to point out makes her very uncomfortable. Except, wait, um, remember this thing I wrote when summarizing chapter fourteen of Fifty Shades of Grey?

the girls on either side of Ana talk about how hot [Christian Grey] is, and Ana interrupts their conversation to tell them that he’s gay.

This will also be my reaction to when this picture starts showing up on Google Image searches for Fifty Shades of Grey

So after the homophobic pot meets the homophobic kettle, Ana meets Christian’s grandparents, who are immediately super awkward, but they’re old, so it’s not interesting. We then meet Mia’s date, Sean, and, in accordance with the Fifty Shades rule of “every male character with a first name wants to bone Ana as soon as they meet her”, he is creepy as shit.

“Ana, this is my date, Sean.” Mia shyly introduces her young man. He gives me a wicked grin, and his brown eyes dance with amusement as we shake hands.

Ana, of course, is unconcerned. On the contrary, she considers Christian’s colder attitude towards Sean to be overprotective. Whatever, Ana, you’re still unconcerned that your best guy friend sexually assaulted you when you were drunk in a bar.

Then they eat fancy food and  have a fancy auction where Ana, upon learning that Christian is auctioning off a stay at his property in Aspen, Colorado, bids twenty-four thousand dollars on it. In other words, Ana spends money she doesn’t have, but her boyfriend insists he owes her, on something that her boyfriend owns. What upsets me most is that the next chapter is almost certainly going to be all about Christian wanting to spank Ana now.

And I still don’t know what the plot of this sequel is supposed to be.