When Bank Accounts Attack!

Posted on August 29, 2012 by


By the end of this post, you might think to yourself, “Oh hey, that new girl named Ellen who pretends her face is a giant black square really likes lists.”  Well Mister HotShotListAccuserMan, I’m here to tell you that I am NOT that kind of girl!  Just because my favorite store is Staples doesn’t mean you should start making assumptions about my preferences. But gosh is checking the little boxes off of your To-Do list exhilarating or WHAT?!

…Sorry.  Let’s stay focused.

Today I’m going to talk about finances.  Now you’re probably wishing I’d just go back to the lists, but it’s your lucky day, because you’re going to get BOTH!  So I don’t know much about the demographics of this blog (mistake #1) but I’m guessing there are some other poor college students out there.  Hi, friends!  Often, my bank account likes to address me with a combination of profanities and death threats.  If yours is similarly inclined, you may have found that, in recent months, you’ve become conflicted.  “I love Matthew and Ariel’s blog,” you might say.  “I love it to pieces!  But how can I possibly afford all of these bad books?  I can’t even afford good books!  Sure, I can ‘afford’ textbooks, but that involves wrenching hundreds of dollars out of the death grip of my squealing checking account.”  Well, my bank account-abused friend, I offer you a list.  A list of some tips on how to get the bad books you need to continue obsessively following this blog while also avoiding death the next time you log on to online banking.

Let’s begin!

1. Buy the books.

  • Pros: You get the books!
  • Cons: This saves you absolutely no money and is a completely worthless bullet point.

2. Buy the books…for your KINDLE (or Nook).

  • Pros: You get the books!  Plus, they are generally cheaper than buying the REAL, flesh-and-blood copies.
  • Cons: You had to buy the Kindle (or Nook)…

3. Borrow the books from a friend.

  • Pros: You get the books!  Plus, you can make new friends!
  • Cons: You can’t burn the books once you’re done with them.  Nor can you avoid telling your friend how much you hated her favorite book about unicorns having kinky sex in fields of daisies.

4. Borrow the books from a family member.

  • Pros: You get the books!  Plus, you have something to talk about at Thanksgiving!  Thank god!
  • Cons: It’s even more awkward when the kinky unicorn sex lover is your blood relative.

5. Write a bad book yourself and convince Ariel and Matthew to post about it on their blog.

  • Pros: You not only GET the books, you CREATED the books!
  • Cons: You just agreed to go public with some pretty terrible writing.  After all, it’s being associated with the likes of unicorn sex fiction.

6. Just read the blog.  No books necessary.

  • Pros: You don’t have to read the terrible fiction!  Plus, the blog will definitely quote all of the important things.
  • Cons: Well…you don’t actually get the books…but it’s hard to tell if that’s really a con.

7. Get your friendly neighborhood wizard to PRODUCE the books!

  • Pros: You get the books!  And they’re made of MAGIC and UNICORN HAIR!
  • Cons: Wait…you don’t HAVE a friendly neighborhood wizard?  I guess not everyone has the luxury of living in the tight knit community of a padded cell…

8. Build a unicorn out of popsicle sticks and spit and listen to the stories it tells you!

  • Pros: You get some awesome stories!  AND new friends!
  • Cons: You definitely won’t be hearing the stories that Matthew and Ariel are reading.   Unless they happen to be reading a story about kinky unicorn sex.

9.  Create a magical paper daisy chain that you can use to enter the realm of the leprechauns and putter around searching for gold.

  • Cons: This has absolutely nothing to do with reading.

10. Buy “The Pearl” by John Steinbeck.

  • Pros: The terrible nature of John Steinbeck’s work will make you just as frustrated as you would be if you were reading Breaking Dawn.  Plus, classics are generally less expensive than new release hardbacks.  It might even be cheaper than some new paperbacks!
  • Cons: You’re still not reading the stories Matthew and Ariel are reading.  Also, you’ve just subjected yourself to Steinbeck.  You make terrible decisions; go pour yourself a stiff drink and rethink your life path.

11. STEAL the books!

  • NO.  WRONG.  DON’T EVER STEAL.  Unless it’s unicorn hair so you can become a wizard or something.

Look Mom, I posted about finances!  Am I a responsible adult now?

Posted in: Guest Posts