Matthew Attempts to Write Worse Erotica Than Fifty Shades

Posted on October 17, 2012 by


After bullying encouraging Ariel to follow through on her joke about writing erotica for last week’s bonus post, I decided that there was no way I could let her have all the fun. So I’d like to take us back to the world of Crystal Vonsmokeson and Dirk Black in Black and White, entirely without Ariel’s permission (we’re friends in real life too, I’m sure it’ll be fine), and answer what is almost certainly the burning question left on everybody’s minds this past week: if Black and White is about Dirk Black, and our leading lady is Crystal Vonsmokeson… then who is White?

(As in Ariel’s post, my thoughts while writing this horrible atrocity are in italics. This is my first attempt writing prose in like half a year. This is upsetting.)

Crystal Vonsmokeson, the lowly receptionist whose life had recently turned into a

Into a what?

 a hot fiery sex-filled sexfest of hot firey sex

Whatever. Everyone’s skipping to the sex anyway.

pressed the elevator button, ignoring the curious stares of her fellow lowly receptionists, of which there were many. There were few reasons for a lowly receptionist such as herself to take the elevator and ascend up into the higher levels of the building, and none of them were exactly encouraged by human resources.

Oh my God, I’m bored of my own non-sex scene. IS THIS WHAT E L JAMES FELT LIKE? I gotta sex this up a little.

The elevator rose to its full height


and Crystal stepped off onto the 40th floor. Dirk’s office was on the other side of the hallway, and so she began to go down its full length.

Okay, stop. You’re good.

Slowly, nervously at first

Cut it out.

she reached the end of the hallway, where she stood outside a door. She read the name on the door. DIRK BLACK.

It was the right door.

Nervously raising her hand to knock, she suddenly heard a voice from inside. A woman’s voice.

Oh snap! What happens next!

…no, seriously. What happens next? Um, Ana’s always narrating her thoughts in Fifty Shades. Let’s try that.

A woman’s voice! Crystal thought. From inside Dirk Black’s office?

Suddenly, the door opened, and Crystal found herself staring at

Goddammit, I have to seductively describe a character now, don’t I?

a foxy lady

Try harder.

a young woman, possibly younger than her. Her blonde curls bounced softly as she took a quick, but imperceptible, step back to avoid walking into Crystal. Crystal tried to read her expression, but found herself distracted – or… suspicious?- at the sight of the woman’s enigmatic blue eyes and seriously banging rack.

“Excuse me.” She said sweetly, perhaps too sweetly, as she stepped past Crystal and walked back down the hallway.

Crystal turned back to Dirk to find him already mere inches away from her. She jumped and felt her heartbeat quicken.

“Who was that?” Crystal found herself saying in a small voice. She found herself uncomfortable by the woman, or at least her presence in Dirk Black’s office.

“I needed to meet with someone from accounting.” Dirk said in his

Okay. Gotta describe a sexy voice somehow.

deep, sexy

Pick it up a little.


Uh… meet somewhere in the middle…

deep, penetrating voice.

Good enough.

Usually hearing his voice made Crystal feel full of primal desires to feel full of his penis.

Is that even English?

But something was different now. There was something new and hidden in his voice now, and while it still filled her with longing, it also made her wonder what else that voice, and that penis, had been filling.

I suddenly just remembered all my grade school teachers who praised my creative writing and now feel a deep sense of shame.

“Accounting?” Crystal whispered, her voice already betraying her fading sense of restraint.

“Accounting.” Dirk Black smiled confidently. “That was Roxy White.”

Oh my God I’m so excited for this.

She stood still, uncertain what to think. There was a strange energy in the room when Roxy left.


Could things really be that… black and white?

YEAH. Okay, um, I spent that whole time setting up that joke and now it’s really late and I still have work to do for my biology lab tomorrow and I don’t want to write a whole sex scene. How do I end this in a way that still leaves the reader excited for what’s going to happen next?

Dirk quickly checked the hallway and then grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hallway, back to the elevator.

“The elevator?” Crystal asked, confused.

“Yes, Crystal Vonsmokeson.” He said, slowly letting loose a sly grin. “We have to go… down.”

Thank you, late 80s Aerosmith!

Posted in: Bonus Posts