The Manliest Name For The Manliest Man Revealed: Bared To You Chapter Two

Posted on November 9, 2012 by


While I’m writing this post, Ariel and I are watching Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet and laughing our asses off.

Our… review?

To remind you how Bared to You got started and how it’s totally different from Fifty Shades of Grey, Eva has a new job and a new apartment in New York City and a super sexy man lives in her building and he’s seriously sexy. Also she has a gay model roommate and went to the gym this one time. At the end of her first day of work, Eva encounters a huge surprise when sexy man is in the elevator!

Chapter 2

Eva takes the opportunity to describe sexy man’s sexy sexiness again.

That sexy length was the crowning touch of bad-boy allure over the successful businessman, like whipped cream topping on a hot-fudge brownie sundae.

Whipped cream is generally considered the most badass of dessert toppings.

Sexy man cuts to the chase.

“There’s plenty of room for both of us, Eva.”

Eva joins him in the elevator hesitantly, on account of his overwhelming sexiness, and he asks her about her first day, which gasp how does he knowwww.

“Yes, actually,” I answered evenly. “How was yours?” […]
“Well, it wasn’t my first,” he replied with a hint of amusement. “But it was successful. And getting better as it progresses.”
I nodded and managed a smile, having no idea what that was supposed to mean.

After the world’s most sexually frustrating elevator ride, Cary meets her in the lobby, where they ogle sexy man and talk about him, because for some reason Cary assumes that the sexy man at Eva’s work is the same sexy man from the building that they live in. (Update: Turns out I wasn’t paying any attention when reading this and that scene in the first chapter also took place at Eva’s work, not in her apartment building. Oops. I’m just gonna leave this here as a testament to my idiocy.)

So remember how in Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana’s boss, the very subtly named Jack Hyde, is predatory and practically salivates all over her and spends all his time trying to tap that ass by doing super cliched things like asking her to work late?

I jumped when he appeared beside me, his grin a flash of white against his smooth dark skin. “Good morning, Mark.”
“Is it ever. You’re my lucky charm, I think. Come into my office. Bring your tablet. Can you work late tonight?”

Instead of being overtly creepy and absolutely having no character aside from wanting to get laid – take note, E L James – Eva’s boss, Mark, and Eva have a two-three page conversation about the intricate details of a new account they have for their advertising firm and how it’s unusual because there was a recent merger and they have to prepare for the request-for-proposal stage and… ok, um, don’t feel the need to take notes anymore, E L James.

After that, we meet Mark’s boyfriend and discover they’re a gay couple! I’m kind of torn about this, because on the plus side, it’s better than literally every single male character hounding after the female lead like in Fifty Shades, but on the downside, it’s only because they’re all gay? But then again, at least the gay characters have, you know, characters outside of being gay. Right, Fifty Shades?

Although nobody in either novel has done the fork in the garbage disposal yet, so they all suck.

They get Chinese food for dinner (JUST LIKE ARIEL AND I DID TODAY OH MY GOD HOW DID THEY KNOW OH MY GOD). Said characters, however, while not offensive gay stereotypes, are instead just really boring people.

“I might have to take her out to lunch with the crew. I could win money betting on how much she can eat.”
I smiled. “That could be fun.”
“Ha. I knew you had a bit of a wild streak. It’s in your smile.”

Uh, check yourself before you wreck yourself, guys.

They work for the next few days and Eva works so hard that she’s invited to go to the meeting with them and see how it goes! Man, I wonder if something wacky and unexpected will happen, like sexy man being there?

The door opened and I was gestured in first. I made sure to smile brightly as I stepped inside . . . a smile that froze on my face at the sight of the man rising to his feet at my entrance.

A shocked Eva collides with Mark and she falls into sexy man! I wonder if things will get sexy?

Even through the layers of clothing between us, his biceps were like stone beneath my palms, his stomach a hard slab of muscle against my own. When he sucked in a sharp breath, my nipples tightened, stimulated by the expansion of his chest.

Damn, this guy’s good at foreplay.

Cross leaned closer and ordered quietly, “Sit, Eva.”
Mark gave a brief nod, but I was already lowering into the chair at Cross’s command, my body obeying instinctively before my mind caught up and objected.

Aw, geez! He makes her get all submissive and shit too! Can we get any other Christian Grey-type things can we get out of this guy in this scene?

I tried not to fidget for the next hour as Mark was grilled by Cross and the two Kingsman directors, both of whom were attractive brunettes in elegant pantsuits.

Sexy Man, who we now know is at least named Mr. Cross (AP Literature students, this is your cue to start looking for Christ motifs), likes all of Mark’s proposals, but asks Eva which one is her favorite and then BAM that’s the winner. He asks her to stay behind at the elevator after the meeting for a moment and then really cuts to the chase.

Cross said nothing until the car was on its way down; then he pushed the call button again and asked, “Are you sleeping with anyone?”

He continues to be pretty super duper with words.

I inhaled sharply. “Why is that any business of yours?” […]
“Because I want to fuck you, Eva. I need to know what’s standing in my way, if anything.”

She has mixed feelings on the matter.

I’d never been so aroused. Never been so scorchingly attracted to another human being. Never been so offended by a person I lusted after.

Back at home, she fills in Cary on what happened, to which he gives hilarious advice.

“You know what, Eva.” Grabbing his netbook off the coffee table, Cary propped it on his crossed legs. “Are you going to tap that or what?”

They do some research on the internet and find out his full name.

Gideon Cross. I thought the name suited him. It was as sexy and elegantly masculine as the man himself.

Seriously? Gideon?

Eva and Cary talk about maybe banging Gideon Cross, and we learn that Eva’s been in therapy and that he’s encouraged her taking calculated risks, which, uh, casual sex with your boss’s client probably does not qualify as.

Just guessing.

But Is It Better Than Fifty Shades of Grey?

The male lead straight up asked the female lead to have sex and we’re only on Chapter Two. How long did Fifty Shades beat around the bush for? Put more simply, how many more pages of shitty writing did Fifty Shades make me read before sex was on the table? Not that sex on a table happened until way later anyway but- oh, fuck it, you know what I mean.

The Winner This Round: Bared To You

Posted in: Bared To You