Someone Gets Kneed in the Dick, Find out Who!: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 16

Posted on November 12, 2012 by


When we last left off, Ana’s boss, Jack, was just about to sexually assault her, which is apparently unclear to Ana:

Jack’s eyes flash the darkest blue, and he sneers as he casts a leering look down my body.

Fear chokes me. What is this? What does he want?

He wants to steal your lunch money, Ana.

But then Jack starts talking about how Christian makes her a shitty employee because all she does is talk to him (truth,actually) and then accuses her of being a spy for him because all of his e-mails have been deleted from the system.

“Well, I want you to think about something while I’m in New York. I gave you this job, and I expect you to  show me some gratitude. In fact, I’m entitled to it. I had to fight to get you. Elizabeth wanted someone better qualified, but I—I saw something in you. So, we need to work out a deal. A deal where you keep me happy. D’you understand what I’m saying, Ana?”


Now she seems to be getting it. Smart cookie, that one. But apparently what shocks Ana most isn’t the situation itself, but that Jack wants to have sex with her. I’m serious. And then she smells alcohol on his breath (of course) even though she can’t think of when he could have been drinking. Oh, Ana, evil cliches always have alcohol on their breath!

“You are such a tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick tease, you know, Ana,” he whispers through clenched teeth.

None of those insults make sense when connected together! Who is Ana cock-blocking Jack from exactly? Herself? Does he literally mean she has a tight ass or is uptight? But she’s also teasing his prick? Make up your mind, Jack.

Jack is convinced that Ana is really turned on by this exchange and not both terrified and ready to kick his ass when the moment is right. He has just won Most Delusional Character of the Book, and we all know that was a REALLY close race.

Yay, Ana knees him in the groin. DICK-KNEED!

Ana runs outside and finds Christian and Taylor coming towards her (in slow motion apparently) as she falls to the ground. Shit goes down, and it seems like Christian goes into the building and fires Jack because he comes out carrying a card-board box. Christian is on the phone with some guy named Barney, who I can only assume is Barney Stinson, and apparently they found something mysterious on Jack’s computer. We interrupt this possibly intriguing mystery to bring you more annoying arguments between Ana and Christian.

Because there has to be even more drama, Ana informs Christian that Jose is coming to stay and also drop off the pictures Christian bought. Christian brings up the time Jose tried to sexually assault Ana, and Ana is like, “That was weeks ago!”

Wait…this really has only been weeks? Jesus fuck.

Also, “weeks ago” doesn’t sound like a very valid defense for hanging out with your almost-rapist. Speaking of rapists, I just saw an episode of Law and Order: SVU where Claire from Modern Family accidentally married her rapist played by Luke Perry. Cray cray.

Ana starts wandering around the apartment, decides Jose will sleep in the sub bedroom, then she goes into the Red Room of Pain and starts looking through drawers and chests and stuff. Christian comes in, and he and Ana have a talk that every couple must at some time undertake: the butt plug talk.

“What’s this?” I hold up the silver bullet thing.
“Always hungry for information, Miss Steele. That’s a butt plug,” he says gently.
“Oh . . .”
“Bought for you.”
What? “For me?”
He nods slowly, his face now serious and wary.
I frown. “You buy new, er . . . toys . . . for each submissive?”
“Some things. Yes.”
“Butt plugs?”
Okay . . . I swallow. Butt plug.

Drink every time someone says butt plug! Butt plug? Butt plug.

So he continues to show her toys and explain them, and then he tells her she has more power over him than anybody else. Ana actually has an interesting though in the midst of this, wondering whether or not Christian would love her if he wasn’t broken. But that thought is chased away with more boring pressing matters like rehashing events we just read about four pages ago. And sex! During which Christian seems to get…confused?

I want him—in my mouth. I step back abruptly and drop to my knees.

“Whoa?” he gasps.

Christian ends up using the spreader bar on Ana while he goes down on her. Then Christian tells her one day he wants to claim her ass as well. And now you know. 

And I let go, glorying in what he does to me, finding my sweet, sweet release, as I come again, loudly, screaming his name. And he stills, pouring his heart and soul into me.

No, Ana, that’s just his come.

Chapter over. Ariel out.