Eva Totally Doesn’t Want To Sleep With Gideon: Bared to You Chapter Four

Posted on November 23, 2012 by

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Happy Black Friday, everyone! Well, everyone in America. What a good day for capitalism!

Chapter Four

The last chapter ended with Eva and Gideon finally, after a grueling three chapter wait, getting their faces all up in each others’ faces and making kissy noises.

Abruptly, he yanked himself away, stumbling to his feet.
I lay there gasping and wet, so willing and ready. Then I realized why he’d reacted so fiercely.
Someone was behind him.

Oh man! Someone was in the office with them the whole time? What a surprise twist cliffhanger! How does the next chapter start?

It took an endless moment to realize Cross and I were still alone in the room, that the voice I’d heard had come through a speaker.

Okay, seriously? A chapter ends with Eva saying “someone is here! OH MY GOD READ FURTHER” and then the next chapter immediately starts with “haha just kidding nobody’s there”. Seriously? That’s some R L Stine Goosebumps shit right there, Sylvia Day. Remember how this sort of thing happened all the time in Say Cheese and Die? One chapter would end with something like:

Before he could reply, a dark form leapt up from the shadows of the tall weeds and attacked him!

Oh shit! But then the next chapter starts with:

“It’s that dumb cocker spaniel!” Shari cried. “He followed us.”

Let it be known that I’m probably the first person ever to directly compare the erotic novel Bared to You to Goosebumps.

Yeah, I wasn’t really expecting this reading to have proved so useful either.

Anyway, I’ve written 264 words of blog post about 54 pages of novel, so let’s move on. Our characters are rather upset by the interruption to their kissy noises.

“Christ.” [Gideon] shoved both hands through his hair. “It’s the middle of the fucking day. In my goddamn fucking office!”

Yes, you are at work, Gideon. Generally one does have to do work in the middle of the fucking day, even in their goddamn fucking office.

They argue a bit about whether or not it’s going to happen again. Gideon’s all “ha, we’re gonna fuck”, and Eva’s all “ha, you wish”, and Eva’s mind is all “OH MY GOD HE’S SO BAD I WANT HIS PENIS”.

“Can’t accuse you of being silver-tongued,” I muttered, aware that I wasn’t offended. In fact, the rawness of his hunger for me was a serious aphrodisiac.

I’m already really tired of reading this.

Just stare at this gif for ten hours instead of reading this book. It’ll be approximately the same experience.

She goes back to work, where she actually does work, taking advantage of the one way this novel is actually significantly more tolerable than Fifty Shades. Eva and Mark work on ad campaigns for a fast-food client and also for an organic grocery store. Mark makes a comment about how these two are strange bedfellows and HAHAHA IT’S LIKE EVA AND GIDEON HAHAHA OH THE IRONY HAHAHA THIS IS FUNNY THAT IS WHY I KEEP LAUGHING HAHA

So remember how Eva found out her mom was tracing her physical location through her cell phone? Well, she left it with her stepdad, and her mom called to tell her that it’s been returned to her apartment, and offers some fantastically derp advice.

“You really shouldn’t go anywhere without it. You never know when you might need to call for someone-“

Yep. Don’t forget your phone, you might need to use the phone. This is fantastic! Don’t forget your jacket, you might need to wear a jacket! Between this and Fifty Shades, the hilariously bad mom advice is so much fun. Which is really weird when you think about how the target audience for these novels is middle-aged moms…

Eva gets another phone call, but it’s definitely not from her mom.

“I can still feel you, Eva. Still taste you. I’ve been hard since you left, through two meetings and one teleconference. You’ve got the advantage; state your demands.”

Eva decides to try out Cary’s advice about giving Gideon blue balls. Gideon gets upset.

“The next time you insult my intelligence, I’ll take you over my knee.”

Whoa! The gazillionaire businessman love interest has threatened to spank the female main character for saying something that’s upset him? It’s like Sylvia Day isn’t even trying to make this not look like Fifty Shades of Grey.

Then they talk about vibrators, because that’s what you do when you’re trying to tell someone you don’t want to have sex with them.

I tried to google a gif so I could make a Fight Club joke about that vibrator thing, but I basically just got a ton of giant penises, so here’s a cute puppy instead.

Eva gets home and gets another phone call – man, her mom sure was right about how she’d need her phone to make phone calls! – and it’s Parker (the guy who runs the self defense class that Eva just started going to), calling to say that there won’t be classes next week because Eva’s stepdad just gave them a bunch of money to make their facilities safer.

“I’m excited, too. I’m going to work you hard, Eva. Your parents are going to get their money’s worth.”
[…] It never ceased to amaze me how much cooperation money could buy.

You know how in Fifty Shades, Ana’s constantly freaking out over how much money Christian Grey has and how expensive everything is? At least Eva doesn’t do that? Whoa- I just noticed how similar the names Ana and Eva are. Never mind, I’m super annoyed.

Eva and Cary talk about what happened with Gideon and his weird comment about taking her over his knee and they’re like “haha that’s weird, what if he’s into weird things”. Haha indeed. To get her mind off things, Eva and Cary decide to go out clubbing “like it was going out of style”. They club hop for a while and are about to call it a night when a hipster hawker gives them a card for an upscale lounge (which Eva hangs on to “as a great piece of print advertising”, and, you know, I gotta admire her commitment), and they decide to go!

O M G GIDEON CROSS IS THERE

They flirt.

The edge to his tone rubbed me the wrong way. “And if I say it’s just the sweater?”
“I’ll buy a dozen and wear them every damn day.”

We learn Gideon owns the club and a waitress gives Eva what she’s been drinking all night because she had gone to another club Gideon owns and, wow, I’m uncomfortable while reading this. But Eva’s getting over it pretty fast.

I’d seen how other women reacted around him. And he was crazy rich, which made even old, bald, and paunchy guys attractive. It was no wonder he was used to snapping his fingers and scoring an orgasm.

Oh, Christ, I really hope snap-activated orgasms aren’t next. Voice-activated orgasms are already too much. Gideon continues to be an insufferable egomaniac asshole.

“Don’t you enjoy the company of women?”
The frown turned into a scowl. “Sure, as long as there aren’t any exaggerated expectations or excessive demands on my time. I’ve found the best way to steer clear of those is to have mutually exclusive sexual relationships and friendships.”

So they’re gonna fuck.

But Is It Better Than Fifty Shades of Grey?

Eva’s less willing to just succumb to Gideon’s raw sexuality than Ana to Christian’s. Except she isn’t. Also she gets confused whether someone’s in the room or if she’s just hearing their voice through a speaker. I still can’t get over that. What a lame cliffhanger.

The Winner This Round: Goosebumps

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Posted in: Bared To You