The Return of Sandstone and Oysters: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 18

Posted on November 26, 2012 by


Chapter 18

When we last left our favorite characters in the history of all books ever, Ana and Christian, Christian was about to surprise Ana! Golly gee, I sure can’t wait to see what happens next, folks.

They drive to some cute little neighborhood, and wouldn’t you know it, fucking sandstone comes back into play! Remember sandstone, guys? God I’m feeling so fucking nostalgic. And tired. A lot of feelings going on.

A few minutes later, Christian turns sharply left, and we’re confronted by two ornate white metal gates set in a six-foot-high, sandstone wall.

So it’s gotta be something Christian owns if sandstone is involved, right guys? James is really subtly brilliant that way.

Well, actually, it’s not something he owns yet, rather it’s something he wants to purchase with Ana. If Ana and Christian had actually been dating as long as Matt and I have been blogging about the series, this might not creep me out so much. I mean, I’d still think their relationship was a horrible, horrible idea, but it would have been a long-lasting horrible idea! As it stands they’ve been together for, like, five minutes. It’s wrong I tell ya, wrong!

My mother and I had a discussion while I was home for Thanksgiving about how hard it’s become to make fun of this book sometimes because nothing is happening. As much as I’d love to quote long paragraphs where Ana simply describes this house and the amazing view, I feel like you guys just wouldn’t get a kick out of it.

Downstairs in the basement there’s a cinema—Jeez—and game room. Hmm . . . what sort of games could we play in here?

Mario. Paper Mario preferably. That’s what I did over break!

I also still get a kick out of Ana’s stupid reactions to fucking everything.

Miss Kelly is busily suggesting to Christian how the grounds could accommodate
riding stables and a paddock. Horses!

Then Ana displays a really weird fear of horses, going so far as to call them “four-legged fiend of Satan.” What a weird characterization. So random! But she still agrees to this house thing anyway. OH JEEZ.

After, they go to celebrate Ana’s job (Ana and I both forgot about that) as acting editor at Christian’s club…The Mile High Club. Gee, I wonder if there will be innuendo about that. Almost immediately, Christian tells Ana to go take her panties off, and what do you know it, she makes a joke about the club being “aptly named.” Well I never.

In the privacy of the stall, I smirk as I divest myself of my underwear.

Why try to have your character tell us she’s taking off her underwear in a fancy way when we know she has reactions to things like, “Orange juice is divine!” “Jeez!” “Holy shit!’ “Woah.” “Horses!” I divest myself of my underwear? I mean, I’m definitely going to use this as a phrase, but only because it cracked me up.

And then Ana tells us that she “hadn’t expected this evening to take this unexpected course.” You mean you weren’t expecting the unexpected, Ana? For shame.

This weekend my mother also asked me where Ana’s inner goddess was. She’s right here, mom.

My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes.

See? She’s alive and well and still making no sense.

Ana returns to the table, and Christian informs her he’s ordered oysters. Oh man, the memories this chapter is bringing up are just endless! First sandstone, now oysters.

Christian informs Ana that he’s not actually going to touch her while at the restaurant so that she’s rearing (EDIT: this error was pointed out to me by my mother earlier, and then she made a joke about anal. It was beautiful.) to go when they get home. So Ana decides to torture him right back. Oh, you wacky kids, you!

You guys, when I made that poll,  I completely forgot about that time Ana ruined asparagus for me! I forgot until this happened:

I pick up an asparagus stalk, gaze sideways at him from beneath my lashes, then dip the asparagus into the hollandaise sauce, swirling the tip round and round.

I’m not entirely sure how asparagus can ever be sexy, but I do know that this book is ready and willing to ruin it for me whenever, wherever.

Ana and her inner goddess feel they’re making progress with Christian, “My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.”

They finish dinner, and start to head home. In the elevator, on the way down to the bottom floor of the building, Christian and Ana are standing behind people, and he starts fingering her. It’s actually one of the more erotic, less horribly written sex scenes this series has done in my opinion. I hope when they actually have sex in five seconds it doesn’t go back to being just the worst. What with Ana writhing and convulsing and all that weird shit.

But first, we bring you a ridiculous fight that makes absolutely no fucking sense!

“I’ve never had sex in a car,” I mumble. Christian halts and places those same fingers under my chin, tipping my head back and glaring down at me.

“I’m very pleased to hear that. I have to say I’d be very surprised, not to say mad, if you had.”

I flush, blinking up at him. Of course, I’ve only had sex with him. I frown at him.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” His tone is unexpectedly harsh.

“Christian, it was just an expression.”

“The famous expression, ‘I’ve never had sex in a car.’ Yes, it just trips off the tongue.”

Even if she’s only had sex with Christian, that is definitely something Ana, and a lot of people would just say. It’s like, “Oh I’m excited to do this thing because I’ve never done it before, and it bears saying even though you know I’ve never done it before!” Yup, marry this one, Ana.

He gets over it quickly though, and we’re treated to a ton of pages about their journey home. Yawn. When they finally do get home, the sex lasts a paragraph, and there’s not really anything worth noting. Ana orgasms.

Ana goes to get something out of Christian’s closet and ends up finding a box with pictures from his playroom. She acts like she isn’t going to think about it for seven pages, but I’m betting we’ll get tons of angst about this and a huge fight at some point in the near future. Words can’t describe how excited I am for that. Ug.

She and Christian e-mail at work as usual, but eventually he stops responding after she’s only being secretive about his birthday present. She gets worried and calls him, but still no word. When Ana receives a phone call, it’s actually from Kate, her BFF, who has been absent this whole book.

“Ana!” she shouts from wherever she is.

Ha! That is a really weird unnecessary detail. As though if she didn’t say that Kate shouted from “wherever she is” we’d all be scratching our heads going, “Well, where the fuck is she shouting from??”

Ana goes out for drinks with Jose, Ethan (Kate’s brother), and Kate and still can’t get a hold of Christian. I forgot Ethan was Kate’s brother and Elliot is Christian’s brother whom Kate is dating. Anyway, this is important because Elliot calls Ana and I thought for a moment he was Kate’s brother and that made no sense as he was calling to say that Christian’s helicopter has gone missing. DUN DUN DUN!!!!