Christian Grey Goes Missing! For Three Pages: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Nineteen

Posted on December 4, 2012 by


As Ariel announced yesterday, she’s actually writing her senior thesis on Fifty Shades of Grey. Since then you might have been wondering, “Gee, I wonder if Matthew’s writing his senior thesis on Fifty Shades of Grey too!” And to answer this burning question, I have to inform you that, no, I am absolutely not writing my senior thesis for the English major which my graduation from college depends upon on Fifty Shades of Grey.

Mine’s about Dr. Seuss.

Our college must hate us.

Our college must hate us.

Chapter Nineteen

You might remember that at the end of the last chapter, Christian Grey and his helicopter went missing! Quick! Everybody get concerned!

I stare at the flames, mesmerized. They dance and weave bright blazing orange with tips of cobalt blue in the fireplace in Christian’s apartment. […] I’d like to make love with Christian in front of a real fire.

Yeah, it basically takes Ana three paragraphs to all but admit she misses him for the sex. Much like at the beginning of this book. And the end of the last one. How much longer is this series again?

Kate is in the TV room, monitoring the local news. I hear the faint squawk from the big plasma TV. I can’t bear to see the news item again— CHRISTIAN GREY MISSING—his beautiful face on TV.

I have no idea why that “CHRISTIAN GREY MISSING” bit cracks me up so much, because it’s really not like there’s anything funny about missing persons. Maybe it’s because I’m already not in a good frame of mind to really take this seriously because Ana’s not doing a very good job being serious right now.

His words echo through my mind.
“I’m now a firm advocate of instant gratification. Carpe diem, Ana.”
Why didn’t I seize the day?

Look, I don't get what she's doing either. Don't look at me like that.

Look, I don’t get what she’s doing either. Don’t look at me like that.

Ana reminisces about all the wonderful times they had together, very few of which really convey any notion of why Ana would legitimately love him.

He is so many people: control freak, CEO, stalker, sex god, Dom—and at the same time—such a boy with his toys.

Ana also pleads with God for Christian to come back. Then Christian shows up.

there in the entrance stands a dismayed Christian. He’s dressed in just his shirtsleeves and suit pants, and he’s holding his navy jacket, shoes, and socks. He looks tired, dirty, and utterly beautiful.

Yes, you read the title of this post right: Christian Grey goes missing for three pages. Like there’s a search party and everything and it’s all resolved in three pages. What the fuck is the plot of this novel? Any time any conflict happens, it’s resolved almost immediately. Like, comically so. I have no idea what was happening at the beginning of the novel anymore. I think they fought about money at a masquerade ball once? Did E L James even have a narrative for the sequel, or just play a really fucked-up game of Mad Libs?

The joke was going to be suggesting you fill out a normal Mad Lib with BDSM, but then I found this one and, um, this is an actual Mad Lib for kids?!?!

See, initially the joke was going to be me suggesting you fill out a normal Mad Lib with sex jokes, but then I found this one and, um, this is an actual Mad Lib for kids?!?!

Ana conveys her emotions about as well as she usually does.

Holy fuck… Christian.

The whole time Christian’s all “lol what’s everyone so worried about” and, I shit you not, to the point where I legitimately thought we were going to find out it was all a huge misunderstanding and he was just out getting ice cream or something and everybody thought he went missing. Except then he actually starts to explain what happened and continues to be a flippant, nonchalant asshole as he starts telling the tale of how his helicopter caught fire.

“A fire? Both engines?” Carrick is horrified.

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous. That we have a huge, third act plot twist where the main character goes missing and James can’t be bothered to have it be an issue for more than three pages, or that his helicopter caught fire.

Everybody gradually leaves (except for Jose, who’s crashing at Christian’s while he’s in town, in case you actually remember who Jose is), and, well, this seems like a good time for shower sex.

“Come and shower with me,” he murmurs.

An equally distressing note: that’s what counts for foreplay now in this book.

Except they don’t actually make it to the shower because Ana decides Christian can open his birthday present since it’s after midnight now. Christian eagerly opens it and it’s one of those shitty tourist keychains with a picture of a city skyline on one side and a flashing name on the other, except it doesn’t say a name…

“Turn it over,” I whisper, holding my breath.
He does, and his eyes shoot to mine, wide and gray, alive with wonder and joy. His lips part in disbelief.
The word yes flashes on and off on the key ring.
“Happy birthday,” I whisper.

We’re probably not going to be so lucky escaping the sex scene in the next chapter, are we?