Ana and Christian Have an Abusive Relationship. Also Handcuffs: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter Two

Posted on January 8, 2013 by


As you might know, the first Bad Books, Good Times eBook is available on! Buy it if you like buying things!

Chapter Two

The last chapter ended with Christian and Ana on the beach for their honeymoon, and with Christian mad that Ana took her top off on a nude beach.

“Christian, no one is looking.”
“Trust me. They’re looking. I’m sure Taylor and the security crew are enjoying the show!” he snarls.
Holy shit! Why do I keep forgetting about them? I grasp my breasts in panic, hiding them. Ever since Charlie Tango’s sabotaged demise, we are constantly shadowed by damned security.

Wait, when did Ana and Christian find out that the helicopter crash was sabotage? The last book ended with this revelation, but it was revealed to the reader through Jack’s internal monologue, Ana and Christian weren’t there, and at no point did either of the two look into foul play. Either E L James forgot that the only the reader knows this but Ana and Christian don’t know this yet, or they found out during the events between the novel and E L James forgot that only Ana and Christin know this but the reader doesn’t know this yet.

Or doesn't care.

Or doesn’t care.

Christian also points out that paparazzi could also have taken her picture, which is a good point. A better point is that he maybe shouldn’t have taken Ana to a nude beach?

So the only reason why this story is even still going at this point is because the only thing that hasn’t been resolved yet is – seemingly – whether or not Ana and Christian can be happy together or whether their relationship was just too unhealthy. Although the answer would seemingly be the same resounding “Seriously? Are you shitting me?” it’s been the whole time.

I thought Christian would see the funny side . . . sort of . . . maybe if I’d stayed on my front, but his sense of humor has evaporated.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whisper, taking his book and BlackBerry from him and placing them in my backpack.
“Too late for that,” he says

Christian continues to be distant and angry at Ana. Ana continues to feel bad that she made him get mad at her. So they, uh, go jet ski together?

I can’t see his face, but I know he’s enjoying himself—carefree, acting his age for a change. […] “Again?” he shouts over the noise of the engine.
I nod enthusiastically. His answering grin is dazzling

No transition. We just went from Christian not speaking to Ana to Christian taking Ana on a fun jet ski ride, because the nothing in this book ever actually has to happen, Ana and Christian will be in love for some reason anyway.

Reverse the genders and you have a pretty accurate summary of Christian and Ana's relationship.

Reverse the genders and you have a pretty accurate summary of Christian and Ana’s relationship.

Speaking of weird sequences of events, remember how Fifty Shades Freed apparently is half told through flashbacks? Well, E L James is beating us over the head with it. Ana changes the conversation to the boat they’re renting and then Christian talks about how Ana’s rich now and that half page of dialogue is enough to lead to this gem:

I have done nothing to earn this money … just married a rich man. I shudder as my mind drifts back to our conversation about prenups. It was the Sunday after his birthday, and we were seated at the kitchen table enjoying a leisurely breakfast … all of us. Elliot, Kate, Grace, and I were debating the merits of bacon versus sausage, while Carrick and Christian read the Sunday paper …

And then it transitions to a flashback. No joke, Ana just pulled a “this reminds me of the time where something tangentially related happened” and a “these people were here and then I trailed off into ellipsis…” on us. We get it, E L James. We’re going to a different scene. I think we’ll be able to figure it out regardless of whether or not we already know they were talking about bacon.

"It was the day after I fell off the Bridge of Khazad Dum. I was fighting the Balrog, thinking about buying some new robes..."

“It was the day after I fell off the Bridge of Khazad Dum. I was fighting the Balrog, while thinking about whether I should buy grey or white robes…”

The flashback is a scene where Christian argues with his family about how he’s not going to have Ana sign a prenup. Sure.

Back to the present, we have some of Christian’s infamous sexy talk:

“I’m going to make an example of you. Come. Don’t pee,” he whispers in my ear.

old spice guy

Remember how Ana’s subconscious hasn’t done anything weird in a while? Well, this is maybe the strangest one yet.

My subconscious looks up from her book—The Complete works of Charles Dickens, Vol. 1—with alarm.

I read this part five times before I finally figured out that Ana’s not reading the book herself, but instead she’s actually telling us what her subconscious is reading. Ana is telling us that a personified voice in the back of her mind (or whatever) is reading, specifically the complete works of Charles Dickens. Specifically the first volume of the complete works of Charles Dickens.

pocahontas give a fuck

There’s a sex scene involving handcuffs, but Ariel already tore apart this scene pretty thoroughly, so there’s nothing I have to say about it except to draw your attention to my new favorite way to describe sex:

It’s hedonism gone wild.

E L James should sell t-shirts.