So Many Boring Things Happening, Why Can’t Someone Die in a Jet Ski Accident?: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 5

Posted on January 28, 2013 by


Last chapter, Ana had scary dreams that were obvious references to Twilight or something. She’s scared of losing Christian. The never-ending non-drama continues, y’all.

Today Boyfriend told me he hadn’t bought a copy of the e-book because I’m always telling him to save money and that would just be giving me money.

Me: You’re right, because 1.91 pounds is going to be the reason you can’t come visit me.

Boyfriend: …a fair point.

Chapter 5

Ana tells Christian she’s been really worried since learning that the fire was arson, but he assures her he’ll take care of both of them. Then Ana switches gears and starts fretting about the end of their honeymoon.

We’ve had a blissful honeymoon. With a few ups and downs, I admit, but that’s normal for a newly married couple, surely?

I feel the honeymoon would just be a great time even for a newly married couple…because most people get married after they actually know each other.

Christian lets Ana drive the Jet Ski, and when he hands her the keys she’s so surprised. Wow, so kind of the man to let his woman drive! Women can’t drive!

As Ana and Christian embark on their magical sea journey, I can’t help but hope Jack Hyde has placed explosives on the Jet Ski somehow (or perhaps Taylor finally had enough and decided to rig the Jet Ski) and that it explodes into a million little pieces and the water is stained fifty shades of red by our heroes!

They do end up flipping over, because Ana is a woman and gets scared of a plane flying overhead. And gosh, wouldn’t you know it, she confuses the brake for the throttle! Silly Ana, Jet Ski’s are for men! Her reaction is bizarre:

“Yes,” I croak, but I cannot contain my elation. See, Christian? That’s the worst that can happen on a Jet Ski!

No! Someone could have put explosives on it somehow, and you could have been blown to bits and pieces, but I guess we can’t always get what we want can we.

In the next scene, while waiting in the airport to head home, Ana and Christian have a pointless conversation about wanting the arsonist to be caught.

Ana has the nerve to whine about how tired she is even after travelling in first class. Um, bitch, I too have travelling for 18 hours + but never in first class, let me tell you. So I don’t want to hear your bullshit.

At home, they have a weird conversation where he tells her she’s put back on the weight she lost when she left him, and she’s like, “But if I hadn’t left, we wouldn’t be happy like thisnow!” Then this happens:

“No, Mrs. Grey, I wouldn’t. But I would know I could keep you safe, because you wouldn’t defy me.”

He sounds vaguely regretful . . . Shit.

“I like defying you.” I test the waters.

“I know. And it’s made me so . . . happy.” He smiles down at me through his bemusement.

Oh, thank heavens. “Even though I’m fat?” I whisper.

He laughs. “Even though you’re fat.”

1) If she hadn’t broken up with him for five minutes he’d know she wouldn’t defy him? What the even fuck does this mean?

2) You SAY you’re happy when she defies you, but the fact that you get mad at her every five seconds undermines this, Christian.


She is totally fucking pregnant. I hate you, book.

After some off-screen sex, Ana watches Christian sleep. She thinks about sucking on his earlobe, but her subconscious is quick to take a break from her reading to reprimand Ana.

My subconscious glares up at me over her half-moon spectacles, distracted from volume two of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and mentally chastises me. Leave the poor man alone, Ana.

Boy, her subconscious sure is making her way through a lot of Charles Dickens! I guess she really doesn’t have too much else going on, though, really.

The one thing I can relate to in this chapter is Ana being sad that she can’t spend every day with Christian anymore. Oh, wait, she still lives with him and is married to him. She didn’t get to spend all day every day with him for two of the best weeks ever and then have to separate from him until their next visit. But I do get the separation anxiety. Boyfriend is my best friend, I liked being with him all the time, too. So props to this book for actually showing something good about this relationship finally.

They go to a family thing at Christian’s parents’ house. Ana is all moody, and normally I’d say that this is typical, but I’m sure that the book is trying to “subtly” show us she’s pregnant and hormonal. They eat outside, Christian threatens to spank Ana if she doesn’t cheer up, and Elliot breaks a glass.

It starts raining, so everyone goes inside and Christian plays the piano and sings. Grace says, “Oh, darling girl! Thank you, thank you,” to Ana. Eye roll. Ana tells Christian she wants him to spank her, and I’m impressed she’s not immediately feeling guilty for asking for that. He tells her he’d like to play if she misbehaves. Fair enough.

He lets Ana drive his car, but then he gets a phone call saying they’re being followed. CAR CHASE, Y’ALL!!!! The scene seriously goes on for fucking ever, and there are really dumb details like Ana not knowing the first name of one of the security guys and acting like this is a fucking plot point. Ana does a good job of driving the car, scoring points for women everywhere, obviously.

They start having sex in a parking lot after the chase is over, which is fine, but Christian is like, “Hands on my knees, baby. Lean forward. Lift that glorious ass in the air. Mind your head.” And I just can’t. Just when I thought the book was writing a decent sex scene. And then Ana has to keep reminding us that this is hot because it’s in public! We get it, Ana.

Christian assures us no one saw, though:

“Do you think I’d let anyone watch my wife come?” He strokes his hand down my back reassuringly, but the tone of his voice sends shivers down my spine. I turn to gaze at him and grin impishly.

“Car sex!” I exclaim.

I love how Ana’s exclamation just comes out of nowhere, and Christian doesn’t even acknowledge it. He’s just like, “Okay, let’s go.”

They find out the driver of the car is female. DUN DUN DUN! Another lunatic after Christian’s penis? Who knows.

When they get to the parking garage of their apartment building, they meet their new neighbor Noah, and we’re forced to endure really boring talk about how he just moved in. Seriously. Then Christian is all jealous and thinks Noah is into Ana. Poor Noah was just trying to make small talk. Ana rolls her eyes when Christian suggests Noah’s interest, so of course Christian’s going to punish her, and Ana’s like, “I want to get rough.” Christian’s like, “Cool, I’m taking requests today” And the chapter ends.

Bed time for me!