Ana and Christian Go On an Airplane. The Airplane is a Penis: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter Twelve

Posted on April 2, 2013 by


Good news, readers! My laptop troubles (that resulted in me losing my senior thesis) are almost at an end! This doesn’t mean a whole lot to you, but as for me, I almost had to write this post on a school computer. That would have been awkward.

Chapter Twelve

The last chapter (which we read a whole two weeks ago because of our senior thesis – man, that thing’s causing all kinds of problems) ended with Ana begging Christian to finally explain how her life is in danger, which for some reason didn’t seem like something Christian felt was an important thing to tell his wife. Christian explained that it had something to do with Jack Hyde, and that Christian and Jack are both from Detroit. We’re still waiting on the connection.

“I thought you were born here in Seattle,” I murmur. My mind races. What does this have to do with Jack?

Yeah, seriously. Good question.

Christian continues to do a shitty job explaining what’s going on, primarily because Christian keeps talking about his own shit and it’s like oh my god, Christian, stop making it about you all the time 

“And yet you choose to defy me,” he murmurs baffled, his hand stilling in my hair.

And then Ana somehow turns this into… a God complex? Seriously, Ana needs to stop thinking so much; she’s really bad at it. Look at this craziness.

I frown. Holy cow! Do I do that deliberately? … This is confusing—I’m his wife, not his submissive, not some company he’s acquired. I’m not the crack whore who was his mother […]  Dr. Flynn’s words come back to me:
“Just keep doing what you’re doing. Christian is head over heels … It’s a delight to see.”
That’s it. I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Isn’t that what Christian found attractive in the first place?

Ana, girl, you got issues.

Ana makes one observation of value.

Oh, this man is so confusing.

And then starts, uh, comparing Christian’s love for her to Christian’s love for his mom????

“Christian, I know you loved your mom, and you couldn’t save her. It wasn’t your job to do that. But I’m not her.”
He freezes again. “Don’t,” he whispers.
“No, listen. Please.” I raise my head to stare into gray eyes that are paralyzed with fear. He’s holding his breath. Oh, Christian … My heart constricts. “I’m not her. I’m much stronger than she was.”

Uh, maybe he’s suddenly terrified because you are comparing his love for his wife to his love for his mom and that is kind of weird.

His expression is unreadable.

Just like this book.

They talk for pages and pages and pages (like seriously the whole chapter) about how much they need each other:

  1. “I need control, Ana. Like I need you.”
  2. “I need you, too,” I whisper, hugging him tighter.
  3. “I want you to need me,” he murmurs.
  4. he pants, his voice rough and low. “I need you.”

How much they love each other:

  1. “I love you, too”
  2. “Christian, I will always love you.”
  3. “I love you, Ana.”
  4. “I love you, too, Christian. I will always love you.”
  5. “I love you, Ana,” he whispers close to my ear
  6. “I love you, too, Christian.”

Like this is new or somethingExcept that was from this chapter alone and we read it this many times every single chapter. It is the same goddamn thing every time.

Every. Single. Time.

Every. Single. Time.

Ana keeps being creepy and uncomfortable and weird and dumb.

He nods, but he looks shaken and most definitely stirred. My own lost boy.

Which one do you think is Christian Grey? My bet is the one with the bunny tail.

Which one do you think is Christian Grey? My bet is the one with the bunny tail.

Anyway, time for one of the novel’s infamous steamy sex scenes.

I lean back on my hands— knowing full well what he’s going to do. But . . . he’s just . . . um . . .

So who’s hard right now? I’m pretty hard right now! I mean, rawr! Ellipses!

Oh my. I cry out as the world is concentrated at the apex of my thighs, and it’s so erotic—Fuck—watching him.

So my friend Liz is watching me write this and wants me to include that last quote because the “fuck” is weird and unnecessary and it’s just awkwardly placed in the middle of a sentence and she just realized I’m writing everything she’s saying and she’s not happy.

Later that night, Christian has a nightmare and talks about his problems again COME ON MAN

“A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe words on me.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he opens them again, they are stark and raw. “Yeah, I’m pretty shaken up.”

Seriously. Ana using the safe word – which Christian has repeatedly told Ana she needs to use in case she becomes uncomfortable – somehow ranks with “man breaks into my apartment to kidnap my wife” on Christian’s list of problems. But what really frustrates me about this scene is that is could actually be good if when he said this, he was blaming himself. But, like always, he’s blaming Ana. Because THIS IS OUR GENERATION’S LOVE STORY, GUYS.

But then everything is okay because Christian’s going to take Ana and all her friends to Aspen for the weekend because it finally got through to Christian that she’s upset that she never gets to see her friends. So they all get on an airplane. An airplane full of innuendo.

The plane surges forward

They all get into a conversation about Jack that reveals nothing. The airplane is still full of innuendo.

“What do you know about him?” Elliot asks, oblivious to the fact we are hurtling down the runway in a small jet about to launch itself

Incidentally, innuendo also happens on the plane.

Christian stiffens beside me.

And no, that’s not referring to his penis. Not directly.