Wood Wood Wood Wood Wood:Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 13

Posted on April 8, 2013 by


Well you guys, the last chapter ended with everyone being offered coffee by the flight attendant, but sadly this chapter just begins with the plane landing smoothly! Damn it, I wanted everyone to die in an explosion.

Chapter 13

After landing smoothly, the gang hops into a minivan (which Christian is not pleased about) and head to A CABIN IN THE WOODS?! Just kidding, this isn’t Evil Dead, though I wish the evil and dead and the evil dead would all come and murder Ana, Christian and their friends. They’re in Aspen. Whatever.


Ana wonders about stupid shit like what’s bothering Kate and why Christian bought a house in Aspen.

“Mom and Dad used to bring us here when we were kids. I learned to ski here, and I like the place. I hope you do, too—otherwise we’ll sell the house and choose somewhere else.”

Simple as that!

I have no idea what that aside was necessary, but apparently we’re supposed to be amazed at how simple Christian’s reason for purchasing property in a popular area where rich people often want to purchase property is.

Christian and Ana have a stupid conversation in which they discuss how Elliot (who is dating Kate) had a fling with that Gia lady who is helping them design their house. Christian tells Ana Elliot is a man-whore and Ana is like, “OMG BUT WHAT ABOUT KATE??” And then they immediately just change the subject to more nothing. And by nothing I mean it’s about their LOVE!

“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”

I’m surprised Ana didn’t also compare him to the world’s best orange juice, since she thinks that shit is so divine and all.

Stereotypes are then reinforced when the gang tries to figure out what to do when it starts raining outside. The boys go fishing and the girls go shopping. What a twist! Mia gets excited about shopping and buying clothes for clubbing. Ana tells us she hates shopping and clubbing. God, Ana is so fucking boring. All she likes is Christian, sex with Christian, and thinking about Christian. She doesn’t even read anymore! Only her fucking subconscious sometimes is caught reading a book.

While shopping and buy a slutty dress, Ana spots Elliot out of the boutique’s window and he is TALKING TO GIA!! Oh man, you guys, what are they discussing??

Later, Kate vaguely expresses that something is wrong in the relationship, but doesn’t go into any details. I’m going to keep this post short and sweet tonight for all of our sanity.

-Kate says Elliot has been distant/avoiding her, but she wuvs him!

-Later, Ana runs into Elliot while she’s looking for firewood and asks what he got up to.

“I had some business to deal with in town.” Business! Holy shit—groomed blonde business! I inhale sharply and gape at him.

If Ana had her own detective show, it would be hilarious, that much I know for sure.

-Christian and Kate show up. Everyone says the word “wood” at least six hundred times. We get it, this book is about sex.

-Ana and Christian take a bath. Ana bitches about Gia some more because she has nothing better to do. Christian insinuates he doesn’t understand what Elliot sees in Kate.

“Kate is gorgeous.” I bristle, championing my friend.

There is no further praise.

-Ana dresses up in the slutty dress. For clubbing! She texts Christian to come and give her his approval. She’s becoming such a good wife.

-Christian allows it, but tells her to be careful because it’s short, and her vagina belongs to him.

-Ana gets really drunk at the restaurant they all go to.

-Elliot proposes to Kate.

Ariel goes to bed desperately wondering if Kate will say yes!