This Series is Almost Over and There Still Haven’t Been Any Zombies: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 23

Posted on June 24, 2013 by

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Previously, Ana and Christian fought about their unborn child and the fact that Christian went out drinkin’ with his ex. Then Jack Hyde came back into the picture to ensure that they never have a real discussion about their issues. Because now life has been put into perspective! Ana made Christian think she was leaving him and taking five million dollars, but really she was just bringing the money to save Christian’s sister! Hyde hit Ana, but before she passed out, she shot him in the leg. Then Christian showed up to save Ana before she blacked out! But there still weren’t any zombies.

Chapter 23

Oh my god, oh my god, you guys! This might be the only time in the whole series I’ve been excited for something. But because I had to finish this book in advance for my thesis, I remember reading a certain scene in this chapter and just fucking aching to freak out about it on here! AND NOW MY TIME HAS COME!

Ana is semi-conscious in the hospital, so she overhears many conversations. The first one brings her some peace of mind about whether or not Christian cares about the baby. James like really assures us, as you’ll see.

“And the baby?” The words are anguished, breathless.

“The baby’s fine, Mr. Grey.”

“Oh, thank God.” The words are a litany . . . a prayer. “Oh, thank God.”

Oh my. He’s worried about the baby . . . the baby? . . . Little Blip. Of

course. My Little Blip. I try in vain to move my hand to my belly. Nothing moves, nothing responds.

“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”

Little Blip is safe.

“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”

He cares about the baby.

“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”

He wants the baby. Oh thank God.

This is what it would look like if the writing rhetoric taught in high school got pregnant, had a fight with its husband, was blackmailed and then beaten up by some dude and ended up in the hospital. This shit ain’t pretty.

She blacks out again for a bit. Then, thank God, she comes becomes aware enough to overhear a conversation where Christian’s dad talks about how amazing and remarkable she is and how she saved Mia.

But then. Oh my god, you guys, here it is!

The fog lifts but I have no sense of time.

“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”

“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”

ALL THE WHATS IN THE WORLD!!! El James, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, is this really how you think men should talk about women? Do you really think fathers still spank their daughters at this age? Do you not find it creepy that Christian and Ana frequently incorporate spanking into sex and her father is talking about this with her husband? Does it not strike you as disturbing that they’re talking about her like a child who gave her parents sass? FUCK YOU, EL JAMES! Seriously. I try not to attack you too much personally on this blog because I’ve seen you in interviews and seriously, you seem like a nice person (and clearly you are never going to read this blog), but COME ON ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Just. You have broken me. I can’t resist. FUCK YOU!

Ana hears bits and pieces of other things like Christian talking to a detective for a second, but she blacks out before any useful information is revealed. Then she overhears a really awkward talk between Christian and his mom about why he went to see Elena. He starts talking about how now that Ana is pregnant he feels like what he and Elena did was wrong (wha?). His mom is like, “Yup kids will do that to you.” I could get this when his kid is the same age he was when this happened, but he doesn’t even know what it’s like to be a parent yet! This realization makes no fucking sense!

Ana signs off from this conversation in her typically stupid way.

“Me too, darling. I’m always here. I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandmother.”

Grandma!

Yes, Ana, that is indeed what happens when your baby’s father has a mother. Grandma!

For no apparent reason, James decides to make the scene where Ana wakes up all about the fact that she has to pee. And the fact that Christian can’t fucking let Ana do this without him. The nurse is like, “Give her some privacy while I take her catheter out and help her to the bathroom,” and Christian is like, “You have two minutes!”

Christian bursts back into the room two minutes later as Nurse Nora is helping me out of bed.

This behavior isn’t sexy because it’s protective. Just saying. Then, even though Ana has to go super badly, she argues with Christian about whether or not she can pee while he’s in the bathroom. Fucking FINALLY he walks out the door (but keeps it open) and lets her pee. Why are there PAGES dedicated to this??

I’ve tried really hard to imagine various actors I like playing Christian Grey, just to see if I can imagine them saying his lines and not sounding totally fucking ridiculous. Seriously, sometimes dialogue on paper that looks really shitty sounds great when the right actors are saying it (just read every script for The Vampire Diaries! Some people would argue the acting doesn’t make it better, but fuck if I don’t love that show and think they pull it off!). Anyway, no actor in my mind makes Christian Grey any fucking better. If they do make a movie, I highly recommend at least 90% of times Christian says “baby” or “Mrs. Grey” to Ana get cut out. It’s like 20 times a page.

Christian and Ana talk about what happened. Hyde definitely did have Mia, so Ana is relieved she went through all this for a legit reason, but she’s still unsure how they got her in the first place. Don’t worry, though, James doesn’t show her hand so quickly! She’s got to keep you guessing until the end!

“How did they get her?”

“Elizabeth Morgan,” he says simply.

“No!”

He nods. “She picked her up at Mia’s gym.”

Okay, seriously, why is Ana surprised that Elizabeth was involved in Mia’s kidnapping? She is literally the only other person that has come up in this incident! This is not new news! Also, Christian is like, “I’ll explain the rest later.” NO NOW, FUCKER! Instead, it’s time for him to tell her off more.

“You don’t seem to have any regard for your personal safety. And it’s not just you now,” he adds angrily.

My lip trembles. He’s thinking about our Little Blip.

You don’t say, Ana, you don’t say.

They talk about how Christian figured out Ana wasn’t really leaving him, and Ana reveals that she tricked Hyde into thinking she’d thrown out her cell phone, but really she’d tossed someone else’s. Someone named Whelan. Who the fuck is that? And did Ana tell us earlier that she did this? I have literally no recollection, and it doesn’t really work to reveal a surprise about a first person narrator in this way. It would be like if this whole time Ana hid from us that she was pregnant even though we get all the other stupid shit that runs through her head. Grandma!

Christian apologizes for going to see Elena, but then doesn’t want to continue to talk about it until Ana sleeps more.

This post is getting too long, so here’s the basics of what happens:

-Christian’s dad comes in to thank Ana and congratulate her on the pregnancy. For some reason after Ana tells him that Christian is always mad at her, he smiles like this is a good thing.

-Christian brings Ana breakfast, and she drinks orange juice. Word is out, though, on whether or not it was divine.

-They talk about how Christian is scared to be a dad.

-For some reason Christian likes that she calls their unborn child Blip. It’s because he doesn’t have to read it twenty times a page, I guess.

The best part of all this is that there was no sexy time.

sexy

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