Everybody Wants To Spank Ana: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter Twenty-Three

Posted on June 25, 2013 by


I may or may not have gotten a Biggie Smalls reference into an NPR article at work today, guys. Be proud of me.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Last we saw Ana, she was being kicked to death by Jack Hyde until she shot him in the knee. Ana passes out immediately, because, like every scene E L James writes, she doesn’t know what to write after the climax.

lucille bluth made a pun

About half of the chapter is Ana passing in and out of consciousness for a couple lines of dialogue at a time, which is very convenient because E L James has a lot of loose ends to wrap up and this is a very thrifty way to take care of that. Let’s go over all of it!

1. Christian Grey and a doctor: Ana and the baby are totally okay!

Christian Grey and a doctor talk about how Ana are the baby are totally okay!  They talk about how Ana’s unconscious, even though she keeps gaining consciousness for a little bit at a time. Christian expresses relief that the baby is okay. Ana is overjoyed that Christian is happy to hear that his unborn child is okay:

“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”
Little Blip is safe.
“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”
He cares about the baby.
“And the baby? . . . Oh, thank God.”
He wants the baby. Oh thank God.

Which is really depressing.

2. Christian Grey and his dad: Mia is also totally okay!

Christian refuses to leave Ana’s room. Christian’s dad decides to stay too because Ana saved Mia.

“I know. I’m feeling seven kinds of foolish for relenting on her security.You warned me, but Mia is so stubborn. If it wasn’t for Ana here …”

Is this a saying or something? I can’t Google it anymore because all the results are Fifty Shades-related. So at the very least, it’s an obscure enough saying that Fifty Shades of Grey can completely overshadow all prior use in the English language. It just seems so weird. Seven kinds of foolish? That’s such an arbitrary number. Why seven?

3. Christian and Ana’s dad: Ana needs a good spanking!

I shit you not, this is a real exchange in this book.

“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”
“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”

And that’s the whole fucking conversation. Fucking seriously? Holy shit, there’s a lot of misogyny and general fucked-up-ed-ness going on in these three sentences. Let’s start another list and see if we can get them all!

  1. Ana’s dad advocates spanking as punishment
  2. Ana’s dad advocates spanking a twenty-two year old woman as a punishment suitable for a twenty-two year old
  3. Ana’s dad advocates spanking his twenty-two year old daughter
  4. Ana’s dad advocates that a husband spank his wife as punishment
  5. Ana’s dad advocates that his daughter’s husband spank her as punishment
  6. Ana’s dad just sort of supports domestic abuse in general is basically the message here
  7. Let’s not forget that what exactly she’s being punished for is really uncertain, and seems to either for her putting her life in danger or for her ignoring orders that a man gave her
  8. Christian Grey shares all of these opinions about corporal punishment
  9. Christian Grey shares all of these opinions about corporal punishment with his father-in-law
  10. Christian Grey shares all of these opinions about corporal punishment with his father-in-law about his wife who is that person’s daughter
  11. And here’s where it gets really fucked up: Christian Grey is totally thinking of spanking not so much in the “parent disciplining a child” way (that, lest we forget, Ana’s father is advocating), but more so in the “you’ve been a very bad girl” kinky sex BDSM way, and is doing this right in front of her father, about his daughter, who is unconscious after having been kicked into a coma by a man who once tried to rape her. Christian Motherfucking Grey, ladies and gentlemen.
People who like these books are batshit insane.

People who like these books are batshit insane.

Anyway, back to Ana drifting in and out of consciousness.

4. Christian Grey and a detective: What’s up with Jack Hyde?

a.k.a. E L James Googles cliched noir dialogue

“Miss Morgan is singing like the proverbial canary. Hyde’s a real twisted son of a bitch.”

5. Christian Grey and his mom: Christian realizes he was wrong about how he treated Ana!

Holy shit, you guys! This is huge!

“What do you mean you weren’t talking?” It’s Grace. […] “What did you do?”
“Christian! What did you do?”
“I was so angry.” It’s almost a sob…

Oh. Except that’s it. Okay.

6. Christian Grey and his mom, part 2: Christian continues to realize he was wrong about how he treated Ana!

Holy shit, you guys! This is huge!

“But seeing [Helena] finally put it all in perspective for me. You know… with the child. For the first time I felt… What we did… it was wrong.”
“What she did darling… Children will do that to you. Make you look at the world in a different light.”
“She finally got the message… and so did I… I hurt Ana,” he whispers.

7. Christian Grey and his mom, part 3: Christian lets love into his heart

“It’s taken twenty-four years for you to let me hold you like this…”
“I know, Mom… I’m glad we talked.”

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. ANA CHANGED CHRISTIAN. Maybe now he isn’t going to be a controlling, emotionally abusive dick all the time!

Hahahahaha, of course not! He’s a controlling, emotionally abusive dick as soon as Ana regains consciousness.

“Ana, stay still. I’ll call a nurse.” He quickly stands, alarmed, and reaches for a buzzer on the bedside.
“Please,” I whisper. Why do I ache everywhere? “I need to get up.” Jeez, I feel so weak.
“Will you do as you’re told for once?” he snaps, exasperated.

Or perhaps this scene where Christian Grey, caught up in a new-found degree of love and appreciation for his wife, romantically carries his wife to the toilet!

“Let me take her,” he says and strides toward us.
“Mr. Grey, I can manage.” Nurse Nora scolds him.
He gives her a hostile glare. “Dammit, she’s my wife. I’ll take her.” He says through gritted teeth as he moves the IV stand out of his way.
“Mr. Grey!” she protests.
He ignores her, leans down, and gently lifts me off the bed. I wrap my arms around his neck, my body complaining. Jeez, I ache everywhere. He carries me to the en suite bathroom while Nurse Nora follows us, pushing the IV stand.
“Mrs. Grey, you’re too light,” he mutters disapprovingly

We then get a very detailed description of how great a sensation peeing is to Ana, because why the fuck not. (Spoiler: she “savors” it) But it’s not all tits and rainbows; Christian and Ana still have to talk about how much they love each other, how much the other person means to them, and how much they really need to both understand this already! It’s the exact same conversation we’ve been reading for three books now, because not even a kidnapping can make this book any less monotonous.

“Yes, I do love you, Christian, desperately. I always will.”
Gently taking my head between his hands, he wipes my tears away with his thumbs. He gazes into my eyes, gray to blue, and all I see is his fear and wonder and love.
“I love you, too,” he breathes.

Sometimes, as a counterbalance to how nauseatingly happy Christian and Ana are as a couple, I rewatch old episodes of The Office and revel in two people absolutely miserable about how they aren't together.