We’re Done, We’re Really F***king Done: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 25

Posted on July 8, 2013 by

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Last time, Christian was about to tell Ana about his sordid past with Elena. Ana was like, “Holy shit,” because that’s her reaction to everything. My reaction was, “This? This is supposed to be such big news that the final chapter of the series seems to hinge around this? Fuck this series.” Also, yes, this is really the last chapter! You guys, I’ve been writing about this trilogy for over a year, my life is gonna be weird without it.

Chapter 25

We open with Christian’s story:

“It was a hot summer day. I was working hard.” He snorts and shakes his head, suddenly amused. “It was backbreaking work shifting that rubble. I was on my own, and Ele—Mrs. Lincoln appeared out of nowhere and brought me some lemonade. We exchanged small talk, and I made some smart-ass remark . . . and she slapped me. She slapped me so hard.”

Unconsciously, his hand moves to his face and he caresses his cheek, his eyes clouding at the memory. Holy shit!

“But then she kissed me. And when she finished, she slapped me again.”

He blinks, seemingly still confounded even after all this time.

“I’d never been kissed before or hit like that.”

Oh. She pounced. On a kid.

Ana’s reaction just cracks me up. We’ve known this whole entire time that “She pounced. On a kid.” Like. This is not news. Ana isn’t more interested in why the combination of hitting/kissing happened or why Christian was immediately intrigued by it. I was kind of surprised that she slapped him and then kissed him – I kind of thought it would have been one over the other first. Come on, Elena, ease into things a little will you.

Also this rubble stuff confuses me. Why was there so much rubble left after a renovation? It’s like they destroyed a building and everyone involved just cleared out without doing anything about it except for a random fifteen year old?

Christian explains how confused and turned on he was by the whole thing because Elena was a hot older woman. Again Ana’s reaction is like, “Hot???” Like she didn’t realize he had been attracted to her? Or that Elena is an attractive woman? Come on, Ana. Next thing you know Ana will be like, “Christian wants to spank me??”

And then Ana tells us this, “He whispers as if it’s a dark confession . . . because frankly it is.” This is not how similes work, you guys. I really hope Matt does his comparisons to famous books ’cause I always love that, but this is fucking like saying, “It was white as paper…because frankly it was paper.” This book is written like it’s a load of shit…because frankly it is.

Christian does a lot of explaining about how and why he needed this. Honestly, none of this comes as a shock. We already know he doesn’t like touch and we already know he felt like he deserved to be beaten/submissive and such. His explanation all makes sense, but aside from describing himself as “a walking hard-on” at fifteen in the same sentence that he says his life was torture (c’mon that’s every guy at that age) it’s pretty straightforward and not hilarious.

Then he explains why he got so upset when Ana told him she was pregnant and apologizes for his behavior. That’s all well and good, but just because Christian is acting like a good human being right now doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly adore him for the last chapter of this book. No sir.

He then tells Ana that he ended up at the salon that he and Elena own (random as fuck, but whatever), and she could tell he was upset, so she invited him for a drink. He never actually told her Ana was pregnant, just that Ana wanted kids. I get that that is somewhat better, but it still doesn’t excuse the situation at all – he shouldn’t have accepted the drink invitation in the first place! But Ana’s all, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And he’s like, “Cause you were mad.”

Also Elena made a pass at him. “I’m surprised.” Said no one. I won’t even bother wasting a poll asking if you saw that coming. Unlike this series, I respect your intelligence, readers.

Okay, you guys, I’m really really fucking embarrassed but this next part of the book actually made me tear up a little.

“Children love their parents unconditionally, Christian. That’s how they come into the world. Programmed to love. All babies . . . even you. Think about that children’s book you liked when you were small. You still wanted your mom. You loved her.”

I only could include that small quote because before it was stupid (mentioning Little Blip) and after is stupid (Ana having to get Christian to admit he loved his mom. We get it, buddy). But that moment is just really genuine and sweet and true. Someone who has a hard time accepting love or believing someone can love them unconditionally has the chance to experience it – both giving and receiving it. So, yes, I liked this bit shockingly.

We skip ahead in time a little. Ana tells us she’s recovering (physically) and that since their talk Christian seems more relaxed. So now obviously it’s time for sex, and Ana tries to pick out sexy clothes. Christian still won’t have sex with her, though, and instead they go check out how construction is going on their new house. Elliot is apparently in charge of this, which sucks because his dialogue is always so fucking annoying.

“Hey, bro.” He shakes Christian’s hand. “And how are you, little lady?”

He picks me up and swings me around.

Oh, go to hell Elliot. If you dare say, “Laters, Baby,” in this scene, I will beat the shit out of you.

Anyway, while having a picnic in their yard, Christian gets a phone call saying that Linc, Elena’s ex-husband, was the one who posted Hyde’s bail. Okay, James needs to learn that a twist just isn’t good when it involves “characters” that no one remembers or gives a fuck about. Like who the hell was Elizabeth and why were we supposed to be shocked she was working with Hyde? And who remembers or cares that while Elena was fucking Christian she was married to Linc? Now Christian wants payback and zzzzzzzz.

So they have sex because what’s hotter than plotting the demise of the most minor of characters? Nothing!

His fingers trace the elastic along my belly then slide inside, teasing me, before grabbing my panties tightly and pushing his thumbs through the delicate material. My panties disintegrate.

I’m adopting that phrase. For realz. James, you clever bastard, you didn’t even know what a gem you had on your hands here. He was so hot he just made my panties disintegrate. Done and done. Phrase adopted.

It only took until the last chapter, but Ana and Christian actually have a conversation about being kinky together, and it’s good.

I love his kinky fuckery—our kinky fuckery. Yes. I can do that stuff. I can do that for him, with him. I can do that for me. My skin tingles as I remember the riding crop.

Girl, yes.

The next scene doesn’t actually show them having sex, but it shows the beginning of it where Ana begins acting like a submissive, and then the last lines of the actual book are like, “OMG CHRISTIAN IS SO MANY THINGS TO ME…HE IS MY FIFTY!!!!!” Jesus fuck, we know.

BUT there is an epilogue. It takes place in the future, May 2014. Oh my god, this series knows what’s gonna happen way before we do! This is cray. Anyway, Ana is apparently pregnant with their second child at this point, and for some reason James reveals this to the reader after Ana has a flashback to the other night she and Christian had sex. Like it’s needlessly complicated. First we’re taken to the future, then Ana has a memory of like the night before, and then within that memory after having sex, Christian and Ana make weird jokes about how their unborn child enjoyed them having sex. Ewwwww.

Then we scene jump to Ana and Christian hanging out with their son Teddy, and all is great for the happy family and also Taylor and Mrs. Jones and Taylor’s daughter. And Ana’s business. Basically everything is happy…too happy. So in the next scene Ana has a random flashback to when she has a really difficult labor with Teddy and almost dies, but the drama is resolved in a page (and also we already knew that everything was okay!) and everyone lives happily ever after. Like what was the fucking point of making me read that? Just give me the happily ever after in like two pages. Or create suspense by having the almost-losing-the-baby-scare/dying BEFORE WE KNOW THEY ARE BOTH TOTALLY FINE!

Also there’s a really stupid author’s note where James is like, “I totes know that you can’t just take out five million dollars in America, but here’s a conversation in the book that you didn’t read, so now you know that scene was legit.” And the she writes out this like 10 line conversation resolving the bank issue. Like that was the only part of this series I would have trouble believing!!! God damn it, James, you asshole.

that's all folks

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