Questionable Casting, Good Times: Fifty Shades Movie Cast Announced!!!

Posted on September 4, 2013 by

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On Monday, I received a text from Matt informing me that the roles of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey had finally been cast for the upcoming Fifty Shades movie! Because we’ve spent so much time in the rich universe that is Fifty Shades, we feel highly qualified to discuss the casting choices and who we think should be cast for some of the other roles in the film!

For the role of Anastasia Steele, we have Dakota Johnson.

dakota-johnson-620x349

Ariel says: I’m a little underwhelmed, but optimistic. After all, Ana doesn’t do very much on the outside. Most of the action takes place within her head, and I’m hoping they cut most of that out.

More importantly, they better dye her fucking hair brown! It is such a pet peeve of mine when a book makes it crystal clear what a character looks like, yet in the movie the powers that be can’t be bothered to get something as simple as hair color right. And we all know what a big deal Christian makes about brunettes because of his mommy issues!

Also, apparently Johnson’s been in stuff like 21 Jump Street and The Social Network, but I really only recognize her from Ben and Kate, which just got cancelled. I only saw a few episodes, but some of them were pretty funny. I could see her being good as Ana – she’s not drop-dead-gorgeous, so some of her insecurities could be more understandable, but she’s attractive enough that Christian’s super-mega attraction to her also makes sense.

Matthew says: Congratulations to Dakota Johnson for the end of her acting career! I mean her big break. Casting a relative unknown as the female lead in Fifty Shades is pretty interesting/the only logical thing that could have happened because who wants to be in this? I don’t think anybody actually knows who this actress is. One of the first roles that came up in my Google search for her is a part she had in the series finale for The Office, and, well, she kinda just walked straight into a high-profile job coming from absolutely nowhere. Kind of like… Ana OH MY GOD SHE’S PERFECT.

Anyway, so we can speculate on her abilities to play the challenging role of Anastasia Steele, here’s a clip of her in one of her better known roles: “Girl who slept with Justin Timberlake at the beginning of The Social Network“.

I dunno, with this character, she’s almost standing up for herself. Playing Ana in Fifty Shades of Setting Women Back Fifty Years is going to be a very different challenge.

OH MY GOD AND FOR THE ROLE OF THE SUPER SEXY PERFECT MAN CHRISTIAN GREY WE HAVE….

Charlie Hunnam!

charlie-hunnam

Yo.

Ariel says: He has been in things like Sons of Anarchy and Pacific Rim. I’m not sure if I think he’s hot, and I haven’t really seen anything he’s in. So we shall see. We shall see.

The real challenge is if he can say, “Baby,” and “Laters, baby,” in a way that doesn’t make me laugh hysterically every time he does it. I mean, I would enjoy that, but not for the right reasons.

Matthew says: HE’S NOT EVEN HOT.

Ariel says: He looks hotter in some pictures…but all the names being thrown around during all the wild internet speculation were sexier.

Matthew says: Look, if he isn’t objectively the most attractive man on the planet, I don’t see how he can accurately portray E L James’ artistic vision. His every “Laters, baby” will feel hollow.

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But I bet that’s not enough to satiate your hunger! I bet you want to know who else is going to be in the film. Well, we don’t fucking know, so instead we’re going to wildly speculate like the rest of the internet has been doing about this fucking franchise. Here are our picks for some other “major” characters:

( Ps, This character guide may help remind you who some of these characters are!)

Katherine Kavanagh:

Ariel says: I want Casey Wilson. She’s so good at playing a best friend, and like Dakota Johsnon, Wilson’s show Happy Endings was cancelled, so she’s probably free to film! Oh, man, she would make Kate wayyyy more tolerable because she’s so fun and likeable. She could pull off all those inquisitions Ana’s always whining about. She could also pull off genuinely enjoying the phrase “laters, baby.”

Matthew says: For the role of Ana’s best friend, I think they should go with Kristen Stewart, as a “fuck you” to Kristen Stewart that she isn’t even good enough to play her Twilight character in a Twilight fanfiction.

Jose:  

Ariel says: Taylor Lautner. I hear he’s good at this sort of thing.

taylor-lautner-workout-picMatthew says: Fun fact, we joke so often about how Fifty Shades completely neglects Jose and nobody cares about him, we actually forgot to put him in our first draft of this post. And you know what? It’s pretty hard to come up with another person to play the Jacob of Fifty Shades once JACOB is on the table , except possibly…

“Wait a second,” you might say. “But Jose is Latino! Robert Pattinson is white! You’re whitewashing Fifty Shades of Grey! That’s like the one way you could actually make this thing worse!” While this is very true that Robert Pattinson isn’t Latino, E L James’s understanding of a Latino character is someone who constantly includes one or two Spanish words like “Dios mío!” or “cariño” in his speech, which is otherwise in English, so I don’t think authenticity is really the biggest issue here.

Elena: 

Ariel says: Um, obviously Kim Cattrall. I would want her to basically play Samantha. Her sexual puns and sayings were always hilariously terrible. “The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you.” She’s so over-the-top too! I love it!

Man, just listen to that inflection. ALL THE INFLECTION! She’d be so sassy to Ana.

Matthew says: What we have here is a role that 1) is a “Mrs. Robinson”-type older woman who seduces a young man, and 2) is in a movie that no well-known actress would actually do. It sounds like a daunting task, but given those two requirements, I think there’s actually a perfect choice here, which is why I’m suggesting that whoever who played Stacy’s Mom should play Elena.

It’s just too perfect.

Ana’s mom Carla:

Ariel says: Betty White. Because just think how awesome that would be. She makes everything better! I don’t care if the ages don’t make sense; I’m just speaking from the heart, okay? She would make all those cliches about love sound better. 

betty

Besides, Carla’s been married like twenty times, so it’s totally possible she is White’s age!

Matthew says: I know that sometimes it’s hard to tell when I’m joking and when I’m being serious on this blog, but I 100% pinky-promise swear to you right now that if I could have any one of these casting decisions on this page come true, it would be this one. I desperately want the part of Ana’s mother to be played by Carolyn Minnott, best known as Lisa’s mother, Claudette, in Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

Yes, there is a part of me that really, really wants the Fifty Shades of Grey movie to be the next The Room – horrible acting, excessive sex scenes, the works. Hell, I almost put Juliette Danielle (who plays Lisa, the other woman in that clip) as my choice for Kate. Fifty Shades has all the makings of the next The Room, so why not give it that extra little push? And even if you don’t want the Fifty Shades movie to be a train wreck (why are you even here), there’s no denying that Minnott is perfect for this role. Carla constantly spews out cliched and nonsensical advice to Ana, just like Claudette does for her daughter Lisa in The Room. Carla has been married a bunch of times and knows everything about men and what men want, just like Claudette in The Room. Hell, if we didn’t already know that E L James ripped off Twilight, I’d say she ripped off The Room. But live and let live, man. Let Minnott play two maternal figures in the worst movies of the 21st century.

Ana’s dad Ray: 

Ariel says: Well if White is playing Ana’s mom…then I should probably pick someone age appropriate…but I won’t. Instead, I’ll pick my favorite deep-voiced actor! Alec Baldwin!

alec_baldwin

Hell yeah, hell yeah! I’d watch that shit.

Matthew says: Look, this is the part of Ray. He has like four lines in the whole thing, and most of them are about fishing. I say any unknown random person. Just anyone.

Like a guy from a stockphoto or something. I don't care. Anybody. It's fucking Ray, you guys.

Like a guy from a stockphoto or something. I don’t care. Anybody. It’s fucking Ray, you guys.

Christian’s birth mother (aka “the crack whore”): 

Ariel says: Obviously I want Helena Bonham Carter. Just think about it. It’s almost too perfect. And it could either be completely hilarious or legitimately awesome because she’s legitimately awesome. She’s like the queen of darkness, amiright?

helena

Matthew says: Okay, Helena Bonham Carter is a solid choice and Ariel’s totally right. But we’re talking about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, here. There is no way in hell they’re gonna get her to do this movie. So I’m proposing someone more realistically attainable: Taylor Swift.

Think about it. This could be Taylor’s shot at her inevitable musician-goes-film-career attempt we’re all dreading. And the role of Christian Grey’s crackwhore mom isn’t as weird a fit for her as you might think: she plays a female character whose life is destroyed by men. That’s T Swift’s bread and butter! Hell, maybe she can even write a song for the movie from the perspective of the crackwhore about her pimp! It would be an angry song about how a man did her wrong, so, once again, not even that different from what she already writes about! I AM TOTALLY ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Ana’s Inner Goddess:

Ariel says: I think she should be played by an animated character. I hear the Lizzie Mcguire cartoon is looking for work. Look, she’s dressed up and everything!

lizz mcguire

I can’t see anything unsexy about using a cartoon to depict the inner goddess; it’s basically sure-fire a slam dunk.

Matthew says: I really like Ariel’s idea of taking the Lizzie McGuire approach here, but for the role of the personification of Ana’s libido (which I’d like to remind everyone, is an actual character in these fucking books), I want Amy Sedaris. But I don’t just want Amy Sedaris, I want Amy Sedaris in character as Strangers With Candy‘s Jerri Blank.

What a wonderful world such would be.

Ariel says: Oh my God. THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED! I just didn’t know it until right now.

Ana’s Subconscious: 

Ariel says: I know Emma Watson tweeted about how she would obviously never fucking do this movie, BUT she’s just so good at playing a sassy nerd, and we all know Ana’s subconscious is all about disapproving looks and reading the work of Charles Dickens.

what an idiot

Perfect level of sass for this role.

Matthew says: Ariel’s throwing out a dream cast suggestion again, so I’m going to suggest a more attainable person who would actually do this crap, whose career has sunk to the point where she would accept the role of an imaginary character advocating against sex in a story about sex: Lindsay Lohan.

Of course for the irony.

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Who do you guys think should be in the film? Both jokes and serious answers welcome.

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