Matthew Watches The Room #5: Staircase Sex

Posted on February 19, 2014 by


Having just successfully seduced Mark in order to either start or continuing having an affair, Lisa moves things to the bedroom. And by “moves things to the bedroom”, I mean “stops on the staircase, where they then have sex for some reason”.

the room 5-1

No, seriously, the entire sex scene takes place on the staircase.

the room 5-2

How is this comfortable? What godawful angles are even required to have sex on a staircase? Let alone a spiral staircase? How is this scene filled with Lisa and Mark’s entirely-too-loud moans instead of their screams of discomfort?

the room 5-3

As you might remember from our first sex scene – because we had another one of these a mere nine minutes ago – these things go on for an entire song. This particular sex scene lasts for about two and a quarter minutes. In a way, we should be thankfully, because that’s a pretty perfect amount of time to leave the room and make yourself another drink, which you will definitely need by this point.

There really isn’t that much to actually say about the sex scene itself – aside from, you know, that it takes place on a staircase. But this is The Room, and there are always more inscrutably weird things to marvel at like a sex shop in Amsterdam. For this particular sex scene, it is the song “You’re My Rose”.

At first listen, it’s just another bland R&B slow jam with nothing notably shitty about it. But then we get to the end of the song (around 1:58) where the song chants what is presumably the song’s title, “You are my rose” nine times (not counting the extended chorus immediately before it where they also repeat “You are my rose” an absurd number of times, because to be fair they do throw in a “baby” every now and again). The sex scenes in this movie are already repetitive, so when the soundtrack to them gets just as repetitive, you can simply feel time passing by.

Eventually we’re out of the sex-scene-number-two frying pan and back into the The Room fire. There’s a long, awkward post-coital pause between Lisa and Mark. Mark sighs, and speaks:

Mark: Why did you do this to me?

Mark, who looks like he still might not have any idea what's going on.

Mark, who looks like he still might not have any idea what’s going on.

Why is this line so hilarious? Because it’s the first thing either of them says after they have sex? Because it’s not like he didn’t have anything to do with it? Because of the seemingly obvious yet troublingly-actually-somehow-ambiguous “this” Mark is referring to? Because all of those things? Probably all of those things!

Mark: Johnny’s my best friend.

What? Johnny’s your best friend?! Aw, geez! If only you said that in the previous scene just before you slept with Lisa!

Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?
Mark: That’s not the point.

I’m trying to avoid simply pointing out lines of dialogue and saying “Ha, this is funny!” without tearing into it a little bit, but I’m honestly at a loss for why this exchange cracks me up.

Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, all right? You’re beautiful.

Someone tells Lisa she’s beautiful. DRINK.

Mark: But we can’t do this anymore! I can’t hurt Johnny.

With that “anymore”, we have another tally under “Maybe They’re Already Having An Affair”, although it really doesn’t matter at this point because of all the tallies under “Maybe This Is The First Time They’ve Had Sex”, and also because haha continuity in The Room. Wait until we meet Peter and Not-Peter.

Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.

Wait, Johnny is his best friend?! If only someone told us!

Mark reassures Lisa that this will be their secret, and then suddenly stops being distraught about hurting his best friend my making out with his fiance some more.

*kiss* What's going on here? *kiss* Johnny's my best friend. *kiss* Why are you doing this? *kiss*

*kiss* What’s going on here? *kiss* Johnny’s my best friend. *kiss* Why are you doing this to me? *kiss*

Posted in: The Room