I Keep Getting The Creepy Student-Teacher Relationship Chapters; What The Hell: Betrayed Chapter 5

Posted on March 28, 2014 by


Do you want to read a second thing that I wrote today too? Some of my friends started up a new culture site called Abstract Magazine and I have a new article up there this week about Twitch Plays Pokemon and the human condition! You should read it if you like taking things a little too seriously.

As for Betrayed, maybe this week we’ll find out who gets betrayed!

Chapter 6

Just in case you get thrown off that we read two books at the same time on this blog and have trouble keeping them straight, this is the one where the narration is constantly immediately contradicting itself.

I know I was worrying the hell out of her [so] I told Stevie Rae that I was getting my period and the cramps were killing me – although not literally.

Really? Wow, Zoey, I thought for sure your period was literally killing you right now. [Ariel says: If only. Then again it seems pretty dangerous to get your period around a bunch of vampyres, so I guess maybe it could literally kill in a way.] 

The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and all this time there was not a woman died in her own person, videlicet, in a period-cause. OH GOD WHY CAN'T I MAKE REFERENCES PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY GET.

The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and all this time there was not a woman died in her own person, videlicet, in a period-cause. OH GOD WHY CAN’T I MAKE REFERENCES PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY GET.

In case you forgot since yesterday (it’s okay – it’s hard to know which of the 7000 underdeveloped subplots we’re supposed to care about), Zoey is unnerved by overhearing Neferet and Aphrodite’s talk yesterday. Fortunately, Zoey stops caring about other people’s problems relaxes a bit during her favorite class, Equestrian Studies, lest we forget that learning about horses is an actual part of the vampyre core curriculum. Her Equestrian Studies teacher, who had perhaps three lines of dialogue in the first book, notices Zoey seems like something is troubling her and reassures her that she can talk to her about anything.

“Neferet is your mentor […] but sometimes High Priestesses can be difficult to talk with. I want you to know that you can come to me – about anything.”

Thank you for your sudden support that came out of nowhere, minor character! [Ariel says: At least this teacher wasn’t hitting on Zoey. We can at least be grateful for that.] I guess that’s another tally for subtle foreshadowing that Neferet is totes evil! While this scene looks weird to the reader for those two reasons, it is somehow even weirder to Zoey.

Sure, we liked the other vamps, but if a kid had a problem she couldn’t solve on her own, the kid took that problem to his or her mentor. Always.

Always? Haven’t you been at this school for a month, Zoey? [Ariel says: When have we seen any other vamypre go to their mentor for anything? Who is Damien’s mentor? What is their sexual orientation? We’re not getting answers to any important questions.]

Speaking of things Zoey has witnessed in the past month that she has assigned questionable importance to, Zoey talks about the zombie ghosts!

I will always use this joke to discuss this subplot. It won't get old because it's not like the Casts are ever going to bring it up regularly.

I will always use this joke to discuss this subplot. It won’t get old because it’s not like the Casts are ever going to bring it up regularly.

In case you’ve forgotten what this is – which is totally understandable because the Casts certainly write like they keep forgetting about it too – in Marked, there were two instances where a fellow vampyre student died, but then Zoey saw them walking around at night as pale, undead versions of themselves with superhuman strength. Zoey helpfully reminds the reader about this right now. Strangely, this subplot was 100% left hanging because Zoey ignored it to go to a party. Zoey does not remind the reader about this for some reason.

I hadn’t mentioned [these] sighting[s] to anyone. Not my best friend and roommate Stevie Rae, not my mentor and High Priestess Neferet, not my totally delicious new boyfriend, Erik. [Ariel says: Despite the fact that Erik hasn’t been present in this book. Zoey has gone from calling him her almost-boyfriend to boyfriend out of nowhere. Is this meant to be what’s going to potentially stand between her and the Vampyre Laureate and not, you know, the fact that he is a teacher?] 

Zoey does bring up a reasonable point while dwelling on this, because she is new to the vampyre world and doesn’t want to tell people about something they might not believe, regardless of how delicious they might be. But then all of Zoey’s credibility is gone forever when our favorite poet laureate (the vampyre one) suddenly appears from behind a tree. Apparently appearing from behind plants is a proud vampyre tradition.

[I] shrugged nonchalantly, and joined him under the tree. “Hi,” I said, trying to sound grown.

Good fucking luck, poopie-brains. [Ariel says: Trying to sound grown. Oh my god I cannot stop laughing. Also NEVER JOIN THEM UNDER A TREE, ZOEY!]

He laughed again and I tried hard not to let his overwhelming hotness make me giggle hysterically like a pre-teen at a boy band concert. I was, for the moment, actually flirting with him! Remain calm.

Guess how many times Erik Night, the man Zoey referred to as her “totally delicious new boyfriend” a few pages ago, is mentioned during this scene?

Loren says he’s writing haiku. Zoey leaves, but he grabs her wrist and asks her to stay because “I find inspiration in more things than being out here alone […] Speaking of inspiration – you could help me out.” Loren asks to see Zoey’s mark on her shoulder, which prompts a scene where Zoey takes off her jacket and pulls down the shoulder of her tank top, revealing just her shoulder and bra strap. It’s the sort of thing that only 13 year olds would find sexy and would therefore make this hilarious, except this is also a scene between a teenager and a teacher, so it’s also really creepy. Those are incredibly conflicting reactions! It turns out that the combination of the two of them is just nausea and looking behind you to make sure nobody on the subway is reading over your shoulder.

Loren traces the Mark on Zoey’s shoulder while whispering how incredible it is- Oh God, I have to stop again. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about something else. So How I Met Your Mother ends next week. What are peoples’ thoughts on that?

“Cream and silk as one
How I long to taste and touch
The moon watches us.”
His eyes never left mine as he recited the poem.

AGH. SO CREEPY. AHHHH. UM. As for me, personally, as much as I’ve taken issue with How I Met Your Mother‘s issues with consistency and narrative pacing over the years and am glad it’s finally ending, it built a mythology very unique in television sitcoms that successfully created a genuine emotional connection anyway, so ultimately I feel like it was a successful show!

“[The haiku] is beautiful,” I said.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. […]
I could feel myself leaning into him, and I swear his body responded.

LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. And while I realize these flaws were too much for a lot of people who found the show annoying and saccharine, I feel like – in a way – that was actually part of the show’s themes of looking for “the one”, because it’s perfectly natural that some people love something in a way (i.e. Robin and Barney) that other people simply don’t (i.e. Robin for Ted), and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR CREEPY CREEPINESS, HOUSE OF NIGHT. DO YOUR WORST.

I know when a guy is into me. And this guy – for that moment – was definitely into me. […] forgetting about everything, including  Erik and the fact that Loren was an adult vamp and I was a fledgling, I willed him to kiss me, willed him to touch me more.

THAT WASN’T AN ACTUAL CHALLENGE, HOUSE OF NIGHT. I AM AWARE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING WORSE. [Ariel says: Where is this even coming from?? They met like once, and what about Erik, and what about the fact that this guy is a teacher and the VAMPYRE POET LAUREATE. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??]

I may not be highly experienced. And, hell yes, I’m still a virgin.

That has to be the only instance in all of space and time where a teenager said “I’m still a virgin” and “hell yes” in the same sentence.

We stared at each other. We were both breathing hard. Then, within the space of an instant, his eyes flickered and changed from dark and intimate to dark and distant. […]
“It was nice to see you, Zoey.” […]
I didn’t know whether I should scream in frustration, cry in embarrassment, or growl and be pissed.

Just so we’re all totally clear on this, this is the list of things Zoey is okay with:

  • Student-Teacher Relationships
  • Infidelity

And this is the list of things Zoey is so not okay with, it’s the worst thing in the world:

  • Blow jobs

Incidentally, I have the perfect How I Met Your Mother gif for this new subplot about Zoey and Loren.

himym do not touch