Imagine a World Without Netflix: Beautiful Disaster Epilogue

Posted on April 14, 2014 by

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Given Trabby has been in a, er, “stable” relationship for more than five minutes, it’s time for them to get married. This would be like if you started jogging around your neighborhood once a week and then thought you were ready to be in the Olympics based on the fact that you hadn’t sprained your ankle yet.

Epilogue

If you thought that Jamie McGuire had omitted the wedding from Walking Disaster because it was already in Beautiful Disaster, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’ll have to buy Wedding Disaster to read that mysterious missing scene. What was that? Sorry I’ve just been informed that the book is actually called A Beautiful Wedding, but that can’t possibly…oh it is.

beautifulwedding

 

McGuire really missed an opportunity there for a hilariously accurate title.

Also, I have to say I feel really cheated that my epilogue is what Matt’s chapter was last week. His epilogue, which you’ll get to see tomorrow, goes well into the future and reveals absurd and hilarious details about what happens to Trabby. [Matthew says: I feel cheated that I had to read a longer story. Nobody wins.] I guess the only defense for my book is that at least if you only read Beautiful Disaster you could imagine a more realistic future for Trabby where they end up divorced and Abby gets a restraining order on Travis. [Matthew says: In a way, I almost admire how little writing McGuire did to get three books out of this story. It’s very thrifty! Unless you’re buying them, of course.]

The epilogue starts with Abby on the phone with America, and America proceeds to bitch her out for having a wedding without her present. I can’t blame Trabby too much for this, I wouldn’t want America at my wedding either. The absolute weirdest part about all this is that Abby chooses to answer the phone whilst getting a tattoo instead of waiting until she’s not in pain and being told to sit very still so the tattoo artist doesn’t mess up. [Matthew says: What? Ariel, you don’t get this? I always call people when I’m preoccupied with other things that could cause me to make involuntary noises, like jogging, or lifting, or slamming my head into a table because I’m reading the books I read for this blog.]

America tells Abby the whole situation is crazy, and as much as I hate to agree with America I’m inclined to say she’s 100% right. But Abby does have a pretty stellar defense:

 “It’s not that crazy . We love each other. We have been practically living together on and off all year. Why not?”

speechless

Yeah! And like I said before, they’ve been in relationship for about five minutes without fighting! It doesn’t matter that they only weren’t fighting each other because they were fighting for their lives, it’s good enough, damn it.

“Because you’re nineteen, you idiot! Because you ran off and didn’t tell anyone, and because I’m not there!” she cried.

Somehow America has missed most of the reasons this is actually a bad idea, which is genuinely hard to accomplish as there are so many genuinely bad reasons for this. [Matthew says: Good thing she remembered one of the irrelevant reasons, like “because she wasn’t invited”.]

Just for shits and giggles and because I haven’t done a poll in awhile, what does Abby get tattooed on her?

It’s MRS. MADDOX. All caps, yo. I hate when my tattoo artist forgets to turn off capslock, it’s so unprofessional.

I looked around the room at the shiny chrome and posters of sample tattoos on the wall and then back down to my stomach. My new last name shined in thick, elegant black letters.

Wait, she got the tattoo on her stomach in “thick black letters”? I thought she had it on her hip or something, but this is bizarre. [Matthew says: What’s really bizarre is that in Walking Disaster, Travis never mentions WHAT ABBY’S TATTOO SAYS. For someone he loves with such a burning passion, you’d think he’d maybe pay attention to the permanent markings she makes on her body.]

Travis pulled out his wallet, signing the receipt quickly before leading me by the hand to the cab waiting outside. My cell phone rang again, and when I saw that it was America, I let it ring.

Why the fuck didn’t you let it ring while you were getting the tattoo, Abby? Also, Jesus Christ, America, fuck off.

Travis continues to call Abby, “Mrs. Maddox,” which uncomfortably brings me back to when Ana and Christian got married in Fifty Shades and wouldn’t stop referring to each other this way. My nausea is unbearable. I wanted to insert an Arrested Development gif here of Buster saying “our nausea” but just doesn’t seem to exist. I hope many of you get the reference and share my nausea. [Matthew says: Our nausea.]

America calls again, and Travis answers this time saying something along the lines of, “I answer her phone now ’cause I’m her husband.” I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and take this as a joke because I’ve almost made it to the end and what happens next at the airport is way funnier:

I followed him through the hallways, up escalators, and past lines of security. When Travis walked through the metal detector, a loud buzzer went off. When the airport guard asked Travis to remove his ring, his face turned severe.
“I’ll hold onto it, sir,” the officer said. “It will only be for a moment.”
“I promised her I’d never take it off,” Travis said through his teeth.

I was genuinely expecting Travis to beat-up the airport guard just so he didn’t have to take his fucking ring off. I’m pretty sure that kind of promise is allowed to be temporarily “broken” for airport security. [Matthew says: Goddammit, all I want is for Travis to get arrested. Is that too much to ask for?]

The officer held out his palm; patience and amused understanding wrinkled the thin skin around his eyes.

Why is everyone always so moved or delighted or affectionately amused by Trabby’s romance in this book? [Matthew says: I guess it makes sense that the old security guard doesn’t have Instant Netflix.] Does this book take place in the same universe as The Host where everyone has been taken over by boring and clueless aliens? The only hole in that theory is that the aliens hate violence and would most definitely need to neutralize Travis, but still. It’s the only explanation.

Travis begrudgingly removed his ring, slammed it into the guard’s hand, and then sighed when he walked through the doorway. He didn’t set off the alarm, but he was still annoyed.

It’s always sexy when a man gets angry about absurd bullshit. Always marry a man like this, as every woman is after someone they have to walk on eggshells around.

On the plane, Travis expresses that he feels like Abby’s going to get sick of him and leave, so they have a pointless conversation about how she’s his and is never going to leave him. You know the drill, McGuire just copy/pasted the same convo over again.

Other passengers began to walk around us, however slowly, watching and listening to our ridiculous conversation. As before, I was glaringly aware of prying eyes, but this time was different. The only thing I could think about was the peace returning to Travis’s eyes.

HAHAHAHA WHAT?!?! So you’re telling me NO ONE HAS NETFLIX IN THIS WHOLE WORLD! Seriously, the only explanation is that this is the same world as The Host because they came in and made television boring, so when the aliens began invading Earth, they were fascinated by Trabby. [Matthew says: Or that they’re on a plane. But that’s barely an excuse. That’s why we have (good) books.] Meanwhile, Trabby is so caught up in their own bullshit, they fail to notice the aliens are slowly taking over everyone around them. The aliens, realizing that Travis and Abby are complete morons and no threat, decide to leave them alone. Also, none of the aliens want anything to do with any of their memories. Okay, now this all makes a lot more sense to me. IT IS A WORLD WITHOUT NETFLIX.

The book ends with a massively stupid joke about betting on their marriage, a clear attempt to be cute by McGuire. Oh, remember how this all started with a contrived bet? Well let’s have the whole book end with a lame joke about betting on their marriage! Well I for one would have wagered everything against this marriage, but knowing what I know about the epilogue in Matt’s post, I know I would have somehow lost everything.

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