It’s Basically The Third Fifty Shades Book: Pamela Part 16

Posted on August 26, 2014 by


Day 57

Remember how Christian Grey and Ana’s wedding happened in between books two and three, and we totally missed it? And how Abby and Travis’s wedding happened in between chapters?  [Ariel says: EHEM. I think you’re forgetting that Abby and Travis’ wedding has a whole book dedicated to this Super Important Ceremony of Ceremonies.] Apparently the people reading these books will tolerate people who love each other for awful, terrible reasons, just so long as they don’t have to actually watch them get married. [Ariel says: We’re cool with the tampon scene from Fifty Shades, but a wedding scene? No thank you.]

Pamela turns out to be very similar, because I didn’t realize they were getting married until halfway through the blink-and-you-miss-it wedding.

Then followed the sweet words, “Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife?” etc.

Et cetera? This is a narrator who spent like 300 pages rewriting every single letter she ever saw, copying every conversation she ever has verbatim, and describing every time she put her pen down to stop writing for four seconds. And for her own wedding, we get an “et cetera“? How do the people who actually like these books not feel cheated by this?

Even better is how unintentionally accurately Pamela describes how badly she wrote about her own wedding.

God forgive me, but I was never so absent in my life

Pamela doesn’t really read what she’s writing very carefully. [Ariel says: You would also think that this is a massive warning flag. Like if you disassociate from your own wedding, maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. Unless she was so absent because she was deliriously happy?] [Matthew adds: Well, that’s what it was supposed to be, but, you know…]

And thus, my dearest, dear parents, is your happy, happy thrice happy Pamela at last married! And to whom? Why, to her beloved, gracious master! The lord of her wishes! And thus the once naughty assailer of her innocence […] is become the kind, the generous protector, and rewarder of it.

“Hey, mom and dad! You know that guy who kidnapped me and tried to rape me all the time? Now he protects my weak femininity! High five!” [Ariel says: Yeah “deliriously happy” suuuuure. If you married the dude who tried to kidnap and rape you, you’d probably also try really hard to convince everyone it was super awesome decision.]

I will say, that to see so much innocence and virtue so eminently rewarded, is one of the greatest pleasures I have ever known.

You just keep telling yourself that, Pamela.

You just keep telling yourself that, Pamela. In third person.

Okay, so Pamela and the Master are – for some reason – married. And we still have exactly 1/3 of the book left. So… what gives? Well, here’s what gives! Remember when the wedding happened in Fifty Shades? Yeah, that’s right: with exactly 1 of 3 books left. And what was that third book about? THE WORLD TRYING TO BREAK THEM APART AND DESTROY THEIR BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL LOVE.
Basically what I’m saying is, fuck you, academia. Pamela is exactly as stupid and shit as Fifty Shades of Grey.

Sir Charles Hargrave [and] two other gentlement [have shown up unexpectedly] for dinner with him, [and when they do this, they might either] stay a night or a month at a place.
“I find,” said he, “[my sister] is full of our affairs. […] They have all been at me, without mercy [about Pamela].

Looking back on it, Fifty Shades Freed was basically just a shitton of people trying to break up two characters I absolutely hated, so maybe Pamela could be okay in this last third. You know, until they end up together anyway, because TWU LUV.
Although twu luv is more… archaic in this book. Meaning “lol women”.

I know not how to look up at him when he is with me, nor how to bear his absence […] What a strange contradiction there is in this unaccountable passion.

Yeah, this… seems like the main issue that has been unresolved for literally the entire book. Well, outside of the sexual assault and stuff, so the main issue that the book at least acknowledged. And then ignored. That’s… better?
The Master finally notices that Pamela is kind of a Debbie-downer.

“If I have power, but speak, and to purchase one smile, it shall be done!”
“I [fear] that I shall never be able to deserve all your goodness.”

hangover happened again

The Master has the most romantic counterargument possible.

“Remember, my dear, what the lawyers tell us: that marriage is the highest consideration which the law knows.”

This is like someone getting a sunburn and making them feel better by assuring them it most likely won’t lead to cancer later in life.

Day 58

Also, it’s the third Fifty Shades book, so…

“I would not publicly declare my marriage [yet, because] when [my sister] knows it is done, [she] would have a hateful and wicked appearance [and] make difference between man and wife.”

Since the honeymoon is straight-up dead-on-arrival, Pamela and the Master talk about logistics, which means SUBPLOTS AHOY:

  • The Master decides to give Pamela’s parents money to pay their debts, a better house, and better jobs, because they’re poor (you might have heard)
  • The Master fired a ton of his servants during the first part of the book for trying to help Pamela, you know, not get sexually assaulted and kidnapped. But now that’s all blown over (somehow), so Pamela wants them all re-hired. The Master does so, presumably making those people incredibly confused. [Ariel said: I bet that’s a letter none of them expected to get in the mail. “Dear friends, you’re all rehired because I actually married the guy you tried to save me from. Thanks for nothing/everything!”] 

Speaking of that later point, there’s a little bit of debate over John, the guy who helped the Master kidnap Pamela when she thought she was being taken home. Pamela is weirdly on-point:

“Suppose I put Mrs. Jewkes in a good way of business, in some inn, and give her John for a husband?” [The Master said.]
“Would not this look like a very heavy punishment to poor John?”

I was going to write a joke about how apparently every problem in the 18th century was apparently solved by marrying people off all willy-nilly, but then I remembered this is basically how Fifty Shades Freed ended. Yes, this does keep happening.

Pamela writes a letter to her parents using her husband’s new, married name, and makes a big deal about how she isn’t making a big deal about it. She also writes a letter to Mrs. Jewkes explaining that she has “joyful tidings” and is now “happily married” to the master, which must be utterly confounding to a character who hasn’t heard from Pamela since she was kidnapped by this man she then openly hated. [Ariel says: Even in this day and age with the Facebook and the texting you get shit like this happening. One second someone’s status is about how the cheating bastard should rot in hell and suddenly they’re married! Some things never change.] Also Jacob Mr. Williams shows up to show Pamela his new house that her new husband bought for her, which is the most Jacob thing that’s ever happened ever.

Anyway, Ariel’s been having a lot of fun ending her posts with questions, so I’m going to start doing that too! Since Mrs. Jewkes and John are being forcibly engaged despite having nothing to do with each other, which characters from across any BBGT book would you set up? You know, to “make amends”.

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