Arnoldo is Apparently a Food Network Star, Because Why Not?: Captivated by You Chapter 17

Posted on May 25, 2015 by


Gideon’s mother calls to cancel their highly anticipated lunch. Everyone, go home, show’s over. I know your hopes were all sky high, desperately awaiting being treated to the same passive aggressive (or outright aggressive) interactions between Eva and Gideon’s mom, and her continual pleas for Gideon to call more often.

Eva joins Gideon in the kitchen, and he gets a bit distracted:

Pleasure at the sight of her slid through my veins like the liquor I’d wished were in my coffee. She could do that to me, intoxicate and captivate me.

What in fuck’s name is this metaphor even trying to tell us? “This thing is just like the other thing I wish was happening but actually wasn’t.” Or “The snow was white like the car I wished I had but didn’t and was actually a blue car.”

Gideon ends the call with his mother, making promises to call her more often, which is basically the only outcome of any of his scenes with her.

Eva thanks Gideon for buying her the dress she’s wearing. Apparently, he is the expert on knowing exactly how to dress his wife in ways that show his preferred amount of titage. As oppose to a dress like this one:

“I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning.” I leaned back against the counter and pulled her between my spread legs. Had she noticed one less Vera Wang dress in the closet? I’d removed it from her wardrobe after realizing just how much of her luscious tits it exposed.

Does Gideon make a habit of going through his wife’s closet and just removing clothing without her knowledge? Where does he even find the time to do this if he’s barely ever home? In fact, I feel like we’ve been privy to basically every waking moment of Gideon’s this book (and Eva’s) so how has this slipped by our, very careful, attention? [Matthew says: Can we talk about how super fucked up this is? Like, Gideon is straight up gaslighting Eva now. THEIR LOVE RINGS SO TRUE.]

Gideon tells Eva about Corinne’s upcoming tell-all book that she’s put together very quickly. It’s unclear if she’s been writing this all along because it seems to be going to print really fucking fast. [Matthew says: I like how this book keeps finding new and exciting ways for time to have no fucking meaning.]

Eva is scared because Gideon’s going to have to read the book, looking for anything he can prove is a lie so he can “go after her for that.” Because for once there doesn’t seem to be anything else he can do, because that’s what this “plot” calls for. Gideon points out that even if he reads this book, it’s still not going to suddenly cause a lightbulb to go off on his head like, “OH YEAH! I do love Corinne. Without this book, I never would have remembered my own memories.”

Later, Gideon meets Corinne for a completely ineffective lunch at one of Arnoldo’s restaurants. It’s the same argument they always have.

Gideon: Why would you publish this book?


Gideon: But I don’t want to be with you. I was content with you, which is all well and good, but I want to be with Eva.

Corinne pulls out a hypnotizer: You don’t really want to be with Eva. You’ve had arguments in public. IN PUBLIC, GIDEON. You’ll break up because passionate relationships like yours always end, so instead you should just settle for me. It won’t make me feel shitty for some reason if you just settle for me.

Gideon: Seriously, I don’t get the point of this. I really don’t want to be with you, and this is getting super pathetic.

Corinne: Because you’ll remember our love?

Gideon: No

Corinne: Because I can prove you were comfortable with me?

Seriously, basically Corinne winds up saying she just wants to prove that he was comfortable during their time together. Like the bar continues to lower and lower to the point where it’s just so unbelievable that she has any real stakes in this book being published. She also explains that it’s not really a book as much as it is her own diary entries, which of course are going to be completely biased. If she believes now that Gideon was in love with her or content or whatever, reading her own fucking diary entries and not his aren’t exactly the most reliable source of information. [Matthew says: Here is where the bar is with Corinne: GIDEON is a more rational and likeable character now. Do take a moment to let that horror sink in.]

After lunch, Gideon is upset because everyone in the world has realized Eva is his weakness and is trying to get to him through her. No, Gideon, it’s really just that Sylvia Day thinks that the more pointless conflicts she throws into the mix, the more interesting the story will be. [Matthew says: See Russian mob.]

The final two things that happen in this chapter even vaguely worth mentioning are that 1) Gideon offers Eva’s boss Mark a job. The ultimate goal is to get Mark to come work for him so Eva will too. This is, of course, the sign of a markedly healthy relationship between husband and wife. 2) Gideon gets a drink with Arnoldo (at a club, for some reason).

Arnoldo informs Gideon that Corinne isn’t completely heartless because she started crying as soon as Gideon left the restaurant earlier. We already know that Corinne cries all the time. Corinne crying is not the issue here at all. It’s that she’s being a complete dick – I don’t care if being a complete dick and getting called out on it brings her to tears.

We also get to catch up with beloved Arnoldo a little bit:

“What’s new with you?”

“He waved off the question with a careless sweep of his hand, his gaze sliding around us to take in the women nearby who were swaying to the music of Lana Del Rey. “The restaurant is doing well, as you know.”

“Yes, I’m very pleased. Exceeded profit projections in every way.”

Of course, because whatever Gideon, Eva, and their friends touch turns to gold. Except Cary. Everything he touches just turns into orgies, babies, or uninteresting Google search results. Maybe he should stop using the phrase, “Baby girl” all the time. I’m almost positive there’s a direct correlation between how often sometime uses that endearment genuinely and how successful they are in life. Sorry, back to you, Arnoldo. Please tell me about your show on the Food Network

“We just filmed some promotional teasers for the new season earlier this week. Once the Food Network starts airing them and the new episodes, we should see a nice boost in business.”

“I can always say I knew you when.”

He laughed and clinked his glass to mine when I held it up in a toast.”

BUT LIKE WHAT IS THE SHOW ACTUALLY ABOUT? I hope it’s not just Arnoldo giving cooking lessons but dramatic, behind the scenes restauranting.

If Arnoldo is going to be the next big star on the Food Network, I think it’s only fair that Gideon get a show on Bravo wherein he just picks out new clothes for Eva and throws out dresses that he doesn’t approve of. Someone out there would watch it. I’m assuming it would be called something pithy like, Autonomy Shmautonomy: Say No to the Ho. Please pitch ideas or the title of this program and Arnoldo’s show in the comments. [Matthew says: My suggestion is Gideon gets a show on TLC called “CEOzilla”. I like Ariel’s a lot, but I think there’s room in the DVR of my heart for both.]