Christian is Actually Cher From Clueless: Grey Chapter 9

Posted on July 20, 2015 by


This morning I was thinking about how Christian thinks poorly of the leads of Ana’s favourite novels – you know with his, “Oh GAWD her romantic leads!” What do you think he would make of the Crossfire series? Do you think he’d be like, “Now Gideon is a man I can respect. I’d even do business with him!” Rotten food for thought.

Grey: Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Ana emails Christian a list of her issues with the contract. Christian pulls up a copy of the infamous contact “for his reference”, but since the ENTIRE contract is included, I guess it’s for our benefit as well since we only saw it a million times when we read the series the first time around. Thanks for thinking of us, James.

What we do get this time around is Christian reading all of Ana’s comments and reacting to them. It goes exactly how you’d expect:

2. Not sure why this is solely for MY benefit – i.e., to explore MY sensuality and limits. I’m sure I wouldn’t need a ten-page contract for that! Surely this is for YOUR benefit.

Fair point well made, Miss Steele! 

parks and rec craig good choice

The bulk of Christian’s reactions are simply to to think, “Good point!” which is definitely a waste of space, but I guess it helps keep James from plagiarising herself completely. There are a few gems, though:

12. I cannot commit every weekend. I do have a life, or will have [Ariel says: Way to be optimistic, Ana.] Perhaps three out of four?

And she’ll have the opportunity to socialize with other men? She’ll realize what she’s missing. I’m not sure about this. 

Does Christian think that Ana wouldn’t have the ability to socialise with other men during the week? It’s not like from Monday-Thursday all the men go into hiding and can be found by no woman on Earth.

And then Christian has some reactions that can have no excuse for being included:

15.5: This whole discipline clause. I’m not sure I want to be whipped, flogged, or corporally punished. I am sure this would be in breach of clauses 2– 5. And also “for any other reason.” That’s just mean— and you told me you weren’t a sadist.

Shit! Read on, Grey. 

Although, its inclusion does mean that my new favourite phrase in this book is definitely “Shit! Read on, Grey.” It’s also my new encouragement of choice to keep going as this book becomes increasingly hard to read.

Christian is really happy that Ana is taking all of this seriously, and he’s excited for their dinner.

The uncertainty that I felt when leaving her apartment this evening recedes. There’s hope for our relationship, but first – she needs to sleep.

He makes my blood boil with how patronising he is. You’d think by now I’d be immune to it, and this line would be nothing, but there’s just something about the way he’s like THERE CAN BE NO HOPE FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP UNTIL LATER AFTER SHE HAS SLEPT AT MY BEHEST.

Ana and Christian email a bit about why she’s not asleep, and she points out that she was looking over the contract when he showed up to have sex with her. Fair point, Mis Steele! Shit. Read on, Grey.


If you recall I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.

Good night.


Her e-mail makes me laugh out loud but it irritates me in equal measure. She’s much more sassy in print and she has a great sense of humor, but the woman needs sleep.

Woman funny…but woman no sleep! Christian Grey irritated! Christian Grey horny!

I also feel like no one has ever made a joke to Christian in his life because I don’t see how anything Ana has said is that funny. She’s just saying exactly what happened in a kind of weird way. Christian wasn’t passing by at all…he deliberately showed up with the express purpose of sexing her into submission. So LOL, I guess?

To: Anastasia Steele


Christian Grey CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

A few minutes pass and once I’m convinced she’s gone to bed, persuaded by my capital letters, I head into my bedroom.

I wonder if Christian’s business interactions happen this way. If he will change his email signature to whatever suits his mood and resort to ALL CAPS to get his way. It would certainly explain his runaway success in the business world, that’s for darn sure.

In bed, Christian can’t sleep because he’s too busy fretting that Ana i going to get the wrong idea about their relationship because of Kate’s question about helping them move. “Kavanagh’s words remind me that unrealistic expectations have been set.”

These are some of the lowest expectations possible. I can’t remember if I told this story before, but when I was younger I was dating this guy who worked with me, and one time I asked him to drop off a sandwich from the deli after work (I lived around the corner, I am not exaggerating) and he was like NO BECAUSE YOU’LL THINK I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND. Mind you, we had been friends for like 2 years. It was weird as shit. Like I can’t imagine Ana would be like, “But you helped me move. It was a declaration of everlasting love!” He introduced her to his mother after they had sex like once. Surely that’s the thing that would send the wrong message more so than helping her move.

Christian sends Ana one final email, because even though she needs to be asleep, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. It is literally just the definition of the word submissive. Then he falls asleep and has this weird dream about when he was a kid and he first was adopted and he and Elliot didn’t get along because Christian didn’t talk and Elliot annoyed him.

The next morning, it’s time for Christian to get serious and stop thinking about Ana when he needs to focus on what’s important!

“Freddie was saying Barney may have a prototype of the tablet for you in a couple of days,” Ros tells me during our videoconference.

“I was studying the schematics yesterday. They were impressive, but I’m not sure we’re there yet. If we get this right there’s no telling where the technology could go, and what it could do in developing countries.”

I guess the right kind of Tablet is what developing countries are really lacking. How did we not realize this sooner?

Christian morphs into Cher from Clueless with no warning whatsoever:

Don’t forget the home market,” she interjects.

“As if.”

"As if clueless gif"

I struggle to believe that this is something Christian would actually say even though I have just been confronted with it and cannot deny its existence.

Next, there’s a gross moment where Ros asks how long he’s going to be in Portland for, and Christian says he’s working on a merger. Then this happens:

Does Marco know?

Marco is the head of my mergers and acquisitions division. “No. It’s not that kind of merger.”

“Oh.” Ros is silenced momentarily and, from her look, surprised.

Yeah. It’s private.

“Well, I hope your successful,” she says, smirking.

“Me too,” I acknowledge with a smirk of my own.

Can you imagine how ridiculously fucking weird and wrong it would be if you asked your boss when they were going to be back at work and they essentially were like, “Not sure. Trying to bang someone here in Portland. It’s private except for the fact that I just told you exactly what I’m doing, and now we’re going to smirk together like the gross fuckers we are.” MERGERS 😉

They keep talking about business, and James just losses interest at some point and abruptly changes the scene. Christian is being driven to Ana’s university to meet with the school’s president and other important people, and he gets a phone call from his mother on the way

She’s asks how Ana is, and Christian starts freaking out about now he has to manage her expectations too! Which makes the fact that he introduced her to Ana at all even more inexplicable. Grace also asks if Christian will be able to pick MIa up from the airport, which will surely be a fantastically exciting scene to read about in great detail.

As the day goes on, Christian has managed to avoid thinking about Ana allegedly, but then he comments on the fact that she still hasn’t emailed him back in the dumbest way possible, “That woman has a way with words, but so far there are no words from her today.” Coming from an author who has no way with words at all.

But, whew, Ana totally emails him back with the definition of compromise, and they eventually come to the agreement that Ana can drive herself to their dinner. Christian is not happy with this, but damn it, Ana hasn’t signed his contract yet, so he has to let her do crazy things like drive!

The chapter ends with Christian being really excited because Ana signs an email “Ana x”, and he’s like, “OMG SHE SENT ME A KISS.” Remember, this is the man who is concerned Ana is getting the wrong idea about their relationship. [Matthew says: Also remember, kisses (sending an “x” at the end of a text message) are NOT A THING in America. Where this book, written by a British author who clearly did lots and lots of research, takes place.]


Posted in: Grey