Bad Romance Advice, Good Times: YOU DON’T NEED A MAN, YOU NEED A GODDAMN WARRIOR and Other Bullshit

Posted on September 23, 2015 by

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Last month, there was a lot of buzz around this absolute turd-nugget of an article about why you (a heterosexual woman, specifically) have not found love. I intended to write about this at the height of its popularity, but getting things done in a timely fashion is hard and oppressive like Christian Grey’s penis. Spoiler, you can’t find love because “You Don’t Need a Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.” That’s not just a direct quote it’s the goddamn warrior title. 

If you are not a heterosexual woman, I’d like you to take a second to close your eyes and open your mind. Buckle up, because you’re about to read some inspirational nonsense that simultaneously appeals to your inner individualist while being adopted enthusiastically by hoards of women on Facebook and Twitter.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

This is just nonsense! Define “wild” – because I can think of very few people that I would consider “wild”. If this is directed at any woman reading the article, then who aren’t the wild ones? Maybe the point of this is just that literally any behaviour can be considered wild if you’re trying to dole out crappy inspirational advice about romance. You go out partying sometimes? WILD. You watch Netflix in bed with nachos and don’t care about getting crumbs in the bed? WILD.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

Fact: You are still deserving of love even if you are not “one of the wild ones.” You might be one of the borings ones and will still probably encounter heartbreak and romantic problems in your life.

Also, have we considered what if the dude is the wild one, and he doesn’t need a woman, he needs a goddamned warrior. THEN HOW DOES THIS WORK?

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

I didn’t care about the care, but the night shift you say? What kind of outrageous poppycock is this!

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

It doesn’t matter if he likes his eggs scrambled or over-easy. What matters is that he’s going to want to be part of the relationship! And give a shit about your feelings! Woah. I’d never considered a great relationship from that angle before.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

“This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past.” I…what? So now we’re finding out that actually “you” are a total dick in addition to being a goddamn goddess? So you don’t have to maybe stop the terrible behaviour and emotional manipulation because you are a goddess, and if you find the right guy he will just ignore anything shitty you do and just be like, “Damn girl. I can’t, nay, I won’t tame you. Your manipulations cannot penetrate my warrior heart.” Checks out.

makes sense gif

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Yes, two people who eventually fall in love with each other will have both experienced heartbreak at some point. (Also “that about to change too” is directly lifted from the article, not a typo on my part.)

Things devolve into even more ridiculous ramblings:

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Translation: Let him go drink with his bros. Sportsball! Beer! TITTIES!

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

makes no sense

Obviously this can’t be meant literally, so what the fuck IS it a metaphor for? I’m concerned armies of stupid idiots are going to suddenly take this advice at face value and start wandering around naked in the full moon. WHO WILL WE HAVE TO BLAME BUT OURSELVES!

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

Not everyone is “destined for more” and that’s OK. Again, I think like with the very loose definition of wild being used in this article, we’re meant to be able to applying “destined for more” to any given situation. Like it could either apply to epic romantic journeys and walking through fire OR binge-watching House of Cards together. I’m not really sure, but I do know if we were all destined for great things, whatever they may be, then these things would just become average. You’re destined for more than a picket fence, you’re destined for double-glazed windows too.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.

To be fair, I do like the end of this. I agree you should keep giving love a try even if you get hurt because otherwise you might miss out on something awesome. The idea just has a bad paint job with this wild woman/warrior nonsense. At some point we need to just admit that we’re putting a new “spin” on the same exact idea – LOVE IS HARD TO FIND BUT KEEP TRYING BECAUSE IT’S HARD FOR EVERYONE. Also we need to stop telling everyone they’re perfect just the way they are, because if this article is onto something and the target audience keeps manipulating men and playing games…maybe they should work on that?

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