The Lazy Reader’s Guide: November 30 – December 4, 2015

Posted on December 5, 2015 by

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Here’s today’s lazy reader’s guide! Are we implying that if you’re not reading our blog on the regular, you’re lazy?

Noooooooooo

Life and Death

Life and Death finally lives up to its name as another group of vampires shows up in town and immediately decides that Beau must die, resulting in… entirely off-camera action while Beau hides in a hotel. But first there’s the vampire baseball chapter.

It's like this. But gender-swapped. Like this entire book that actually exists.

It’s like this. But gender-swapped. Like this entire book that actually exists.

Here’s a quick recap of this week’s chapters:

  • Jules’ mom shows up to barely try to talk Beau out of dating a Cullen, and gives up after like two pages. Jules is presumably mortified that her mom is cockblocking the guy she’s interested in.
  • Beau introduces his dad to Edythe. Even though gender totes doesn’t matter I mean obvs, there are significant differences between this scene in the gender swap and the original.
  • They play vampire baseball. There is absolutely nothing important to say about this, except of course for “they play vampire baseball”, because even ten years later, why?
  • Another group of vampires suddenly shows up. Despite the entire book up until this point being how unbearably delicious Beau’s blood smells, nobody notices until there’s an extra strong wind. Then one of them, Joss, immediately decides, nah, I’m gonna drop everything I’m doing and single-mindedly hunt Beau.
  • Eventually Team Cullen decides that the best option is to have Beau go hide in Phoenix (the place where he said he’d be hiding, which is clever because nobody actually hides where they say they’d be hiding, you see) with Archie and Jessamine after Beau fakes a fight with his dad so nobody gets suspicious why Beau has suddenly left town. Meanwhile, Edythe and the others will hunt Joss. While she’s hunting Beau. It’d be super gripping if all the action weren’t happening completely removed from where the narrator is.
  • Beau and Archie have a heart-to-heart while hiding in the hotel. Archie says that, because he experiences time as a vampire, he feels like Beau is his best friend that he’s spent hundred and hundreds of hours with. Okay, Archie.
  • Archie gets a vision that Joss eventually goes to a ballet studio. They keep calling it “the mirror room” instead of “the ballet studio”. I have no idea why.

House of Night #4: Untamed

Over in our book about vampyres (totally different), Aphrodite pushes the reset button on the ending of the last book by explaining to Zoey’s friends why they shouldn’t be mad at Zoey anymore, then the goddess Nyx shows up to tell Zoey and Aphrodite to keep up the good work.

christian bale no you're not

Because Nyx apparently didn’t read the last book

  • Aphrodite and Zoey’s friends lob dumb insults at each other and bicker. I don’t know why I had to type that. Just assume that happens in every single chapter.
  • Aphrodite tells Zoey’s friends that they shouldn’t be mad at her for spending an entire book lying to them, because she’s the chosen one. They start to agree that this makes sense. This is literally what happens.
  • Aphrodite then tells them that she’s had a vision that Zoey is going to die because her friends abandoned her, which will kick off a world-ending war between vampires and humans. I might have led with that, but whatever, Aphrodite. You do you.
  • The group eventually realizes that during the entire last book of Zoey keeping secrets from them to save her own ass, some of those secrets were also to save them. Everyone is friends again.
  • It’s revealed that Aphrodite has not only lost her vampirism, but has also lost her affinity for earth. The actual fucking Goddess shows up and tells Aphrodite, hey, don’t worry about it, the earth affinity was never hers, and that she will always be more human than anything else “whether you like it or not”. The Gods are real dicks in this book.
  • Nyx advises Zoey “You should follow your true instinct more often, Zoey. It will never lead you wrong” (as opposed to the last book, I guess) and to beware of great evil (as opposed to the last three books, I guess)

More Fun Stuff!

  • Are you excited about the new Star Wars movie? Of course you are! Kotaku ran an interesting article on how intricately The Force Awakens is being marketed to make sure you’re excited about it in a way that only makes you think about the good Star Wars movies.
  • Speaking of which, the AV Club ran an interesting article titled “The Star Wars prequels don’t deserve your hatred“, which is about exactly what it sounds like. It’s a long read, but it’s a thought-provoking one (especially for me, as a writer for a blog that, you know, has “Bad Books” in its name)
  • In not Star Wars news, uh, wow, did I read anything on the internet that wasn’t about Star Wars lately? Shoot. I guess not. How about you?
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