Heath Tells Zoey She’s Awful And It’s Amazing: House of Night Untamed Chapter 18

Posted on January 22, 2016 by

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I know, I know. Every time Heath comes back into the world of House of Night, it’s a double-edged sword. I would argue he’s the books’ worst-written character (which is saying something, given the competition for that particular distinction) but sometimes he crosses the line into so-bad-it’s-hilarious territory.

This time is – weirdly – neither of those. It’s something much, much better. He spends half a chapter telling Zoey she’s awful.

go on

House of Night: Untamed Chapter 18

Zoey spent the last chapter insisting that they go to a fried chicken restaurant, so it’s a little weird that this chapter starts off with… Zoey mocking people who go to fried chicken restaurants…

as late as it was, Charlie’s was really busy, and sheeplike, we jostled around with the rest of the herd animals, finally getting in line behind an obese woman who had really bad teeth and a balding guy who smelled like feet.

You wanted to come here, Zoey. You are the sheep too. This is why Ariel and I spend all our time writing about how you have zero self-awareness.

Zoey mocks Aphrodite, telling her that Darius is too good for her. This unexpectedly leads to a rare (albeit decreasingly rare) open moment for Aphrodite where she admits, “Of course he’s too good for me”, and talks about how she knows that she’s an awful person. Although it’s the Casts writing a moment of awareness, so the moment is… sudden…

“I’m selfish, not stupid. Darius will probably get sick of my crap within a couple months. I’ll dump him right before he dumps me, but at least it’ll be a fun ride till then.”
“Did you ever think about being nice and not putting him through your usual crap?”
Aphrodite met my eyes. “Actually, I have been thinking about it and may consider changing things up with Darius.”

Wait, that’s it?

office space that was easy

Okay, wait, if all it takes is a single sentence suggestion in this book for someone to seriously contemplate the way they live their life, can someone please tell Zoey, “Did you ever think about not hooking up with three guys at the same time and then wondering why they all hate you?” Because that could have saved us literally four books.

Aphrodite also talks about how meaningful it was that the cat chose her earlier. Zoey talks about how meaningful greasy fried food is.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Even though I was shoveling in the chicken and fries ’cause we needed to get back to school and it was rude to lounge around while Darius babysat Aphrodite’s cat from hell, I savored every bite. […]
Aphrodite picked delicately at a drumstick and wrinkled her nose at me when I added salt to the already totally salty fries. “You’re going to bloat like a dead fish.”
“If I do, I’ll just wear sweats until I pee it out.” I grinned around a big bite of chicken.

Kristin and P.C. Cast. Stop. This is disgusting. You haven’t created a silly and quirky character. You have to dial it back.

oh that's disgusting

[Aphrodite] shuddered. “You’re so gross. I cannot believe we’re friends, which proves I’m in the middle of a personal crisis.”

Your words, book.

Zoey and Aphrodite debate the next steps in the plot, including:

  1. Setting up a nanny cam so they can monitor for when/if Stark’s dead body reanimates as a zombie fledgling. (For some reason Aphrodite assumes this is a complicated endeavor and asks “Isn’t that Jack kid good with electronics”. Hell if I know literally anything about Jack, Aphrodite.)
  2. How they’ll get blood for Stark if he does wake up, since the undead zombies need it more. This also reminds Aphrodite to ask Zoey if “the bloodsucking-back-and-forth stuff” is “a lot like sex”, “maybe even better” like it says in “the Sociology book”. Once again, I have a lot of questions about the vampyre educational system.
  3. Zoey fills Aphrodite in on Operation “Use The Cleansing Ceremony To Reveal The Undead Vampyres’ Existence With A Dramatic Stevie Rae Reveal”. Aphrodite is pretty chill about it, and immediately picks up on how Zoey’s mostly doing this now because “You’re counting on Shekinah saving your ass”. She also says it “sounds very B movie”, because the Casts still get self-deprecation confused with self-awareness.
  4. Zoey also talks about how something in the night is scary. I’m having trouble caring about the corporeal threats in this book, so I’m not bothering summarizing this.

Ok. Now that that business is out of the way, ready for the good stuff? Because motherfuckin’ HEATH is back!

a familiar laugh made me glance up at the entrance to the dining room. […] He was carrying a tray filled with his favorite combo meal (the Number 3, with extra-large fries), along with a tiny kids’ meal. You know, one of those meals that girls get when they’re on a date so they look like they don’t eat much, and then they go home and snarf down the refrigerator when they’re alone.

This book has the strangest ideas for what count as universal experiences.

Heath sees Zoey and tells the girl that he’s with that he has to go talk to her.

I knew Heath. Yes, he’d break up with me, but (unlike Erik) there wouldn’t be any public name-calling that might cause an ugly scene. Heath’s mom and dad had raised him right. He was a gentleman

Wow, I have a lot of questions about this:

  1. Why does he still have to break up with her, exactly? He was aware that she was seriously dating him while she was seriously dating someone else, and then cheated on both of them again with a third guy. I think any breaking that could possibly need to be done here is pretty much done.
  2. “Heath’s mom and dad had raised him right. He was a gentleman.” Wasn’t the entire first book about how Zoey hated him for being a loser who spent all his time getting drunk? When did any gentleman-ing happen?

Heath slowly talks with Zoey about how their Imprint is broken, asking how that could have happened. But he totally already knows, and… shit gets rough.

I drew a deep breath and said, “It was broken when I Imprinted with someone else.” […]
his face jerked up as if I’d slapped him. […] “You did it with him.”

Guys. This gets really good. Not only is Heath in this scene finally calling out Zoey for cheating on him, but unlike how Erik had to slut shame Zoey in front of all her friends to do it, Heath is doing it like a BOSS. 

“How could you, Zo? How could you do that to me? To us?”
“I’m sorry, Heath. I never meant to hurt you. I just—”
“No! […] Didn’t mean to hurt me is bullshit.”

popcorn_stephen_colbert

This whole chapter is music to my ears. Aphrodite even tries to point out that Heath is clearly with someone else right now, and Heath points out not only that it’s just a friend, but someone who used to be Zoey’s friend. And then the former friend Zoey didn’t even recognize awkwardly waves at them. And Aphrodite shuts up at that terrible attempt at standing up for her shitty friend. This chapter is gold, you guys. Like, this is why a small part of me suspects that the Casts don’t even like Zoey, because this chapter is dishing out some sick Zoey burns that I am jealous of.

“You didn’t even call me.”
“I wanted to,” I said miserably.
“Oh, wait. You did text-message me this morning. Thanks so much for that,” he said sarcastically.

michael jackson thriller popcorn smile

But the best part is yet to come.

“Do you know what happens to the human when an Imprint breaks?” […]
“It— it causes the human pain,” I said.
“Pain? Talk about an understatement. Zoey, I thought you were dead at first. And when I thought that, I wished I was dead, too. […] But I knew you weren’t dead because I could feel some of what was happening to you.” He grimaced. “Some of what he was making you feel.”

Britney oh my god

So. Apparently. Because of vampyre magic, Heath somehow could literally feel his girlfriend having sex with another guy. You know, maybe Heath isn’t being brutal enough. Like, this sounds horrible enough that when Heath goes on about how much he has always loved Zoey, I’m not even thinking, “Why?”. I’m a bit distracted by this whole “I could feel what he was making you feel” thing.

“I’ve loved you since I was in grade school. You being with someone else hurts me. No way it can’t.” […]
I could only say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head again. “Sorry isn’t good enough, Zo. Not this time. Not about this.”

Having sat through three and a half books of Zoey being just the worst person to everyone she knows and never even really getting any particular comeuppance for any of it, I think I speak for all of our readers when I say:

"say" of course meaning "just put in a funny gif", because that's how the internet works

“say” of course meaning “just put in a funny gif”, because that’s how the internet works

“I fell in love with you in third grade. I loved you then. I love you and want you now; I probably will forever.” Heath’s eyes were bright with unshed tears. “But I don’t ever want to see you again. Loving you hurts too much, Zoey.”

I mean… to a certain degree.

her

With those words, Heath gets up with his friend, leaves, and “Heath walked out of my life”. This is the best chapter of House of Night ever.

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