The Lazy Reader’s Guide: February 22-26, 2016

Posted on February 27, 2016 by

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Left Behind

In the increasingly “this is about the rapture?” Left Behind, the antichrist is named the sexiest man alive. He also tells the secret society running the whole world to call of its hit on Buck while telling Buck he totally doesn’t have any connections with them.

  • Buck learns that the British government is trying to frame him for the murders of those two minor characters who are no longer in this book. This all gets resolved in literally a chapter, so it’s hard to convincingly say that this even matters.
  • Buck goes to Carpathia’s hotel to get his exclusive interview, but gets into a fight with a minor character who he totally knows because he’s totally a real character in this book.
  • Like all of Carpathia’s dialogue, said interview makes no fucking sense. I can’t even summarize it. It was just words.
  • Nobody thinks that Carpathia could be the antichrist, to the point where the book is actually full of conversations where people say that they don’t think Carpathia could be the antichrist, because subtlety.
  • Hattie calls Buck and Rayford to talk about how the rapture’s going. Left Behind really doesn’t care why these are suddenly the most important people in Hattie’s life now, since it’s already been established that they both think Hattie is way fuckable, so what else is needed?
  • Hattie and Rayford also have a pretty tense phone call about how Hattie totally knew that Rayford wanted to bone her. And now he doesn’t, which makes her sad.

oh no

House of Night: Untamed

Zoey summarizes House of Night: Untamed to her grandma, then grandma gets into a coma. I’m sure there’s a clever joke that could be made with that.

  • Zoey summarizes the events of the book to her grandma. There’s really nothing else to say here.
  • While driving to town for lunch, grandma’s car is attacked by a raven mocker, and she veers offroad and ends up in a coma in the hospital.
  • The doctors feel good about her recovery, but Zoey is concerned about the continued threat of the raven mockers. She wants to get a Cherokee medicine man to wait with her grandma in the hospital, but the doctors tell her that there are already too damn many minor characters it’s a Catholic hospital.
  • Conveniently, Zoey does know a nun who can protect her grandma from spiritual danger! Which means that next week Zoey summarizes House of Night: Untamed to another fucking character.
hangover happened again

Us, next week

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